To the Mocking Teenager

Via Public Domain Photos

I was talking with a friend while we were chilling in the hot water. We were talking about the effects of time on our bodies now that we are in our mid-30s.

As I climbed out of the hot water, a teenage girl loudly said:

"Is that what I will look like when I get old?"

I said:

"Give it ten years!"

This is the first rude teenager I have come across for some time. Most teenagers may be sassy, but rarely rude. Hopefully, she is nicer most of the time.

I have advice for this mocking teenager so she never looks like me:

1. Never engage in sexual intimacy
2. Never develop a mental illness
3. Never develop a physical illness
4. Never stay up late
5. Never stress out
6. Never have babies

I am serious about no intimacy, hormonal teenager. Hormonal birth control can cause weight gain. Depo-Provera causes weight gain in a fourth of its users. I estimate that birth control caused 30 lbs to collect on me. Any intimacy runs the risk of pregnancy with or without birth control. Thus, lifelong abstinence is the best option.

Really, it's a lottery whether this young woman gets some type of mental illness or suffers some type of trauma in her lifetime. Some medications are notorious for gaining weight. Six medications from this list out of the dozen I've taken over the years packed on 55 lbs (I'm taking out 10 lbs for birth control). I have worked with my psychiatrists over the years to have neutral medications, but sometimes those stop working. I have to weigh the benefits versus the costs.

Any physical illness can cause weight gain (or loss). Almost my entire life, I was so congested that I had a hard time breathing and had frequent colds and sinus infections. Three years ago, I had sinus surgery and my turbinates reduced. I have more active days now.

Reduced sleep probably contributed to my weight gain the most over the years. I eat more calories when I stay up too late. Then I am tired the next day and choose less healthy foods. No late night parties, young lady!

Stress might be the biggest contributor to my weight gain. So, young woman avoid any stress in life! Really, learn to cope with stress in healthy ways.

Again, I suggest lifelong abstinence so a woman never becomes pregnant. First, pregnancy messes with female hormones. Then the newborn takes away your sleep for the next two years. The dad suffers from sleep loss too. Children bring stress...and joy.

Overall, young lady, never live. Never enjoy life. Then you will never look like me.