Redefining My Body Image

Via Public Domain Photos

I started this post a year ago, but never published it because the feelings were too fresh.

I was accepted into a contest to lose weight before Christmas of 2017--and then the committee let me go because they felt I had an eating disorder. (I had submitted an essay explaining my weight struggles.) They suggested a clinic.

I looked at the clinic's website. I took the tests on the site for anorexia/bulimia and binge eating disorder. I scored healthy on the first test. I scored mostly healthy on the next text. I knew that I didn't have anorexia or bulimia, but I had struggled with binge eating in the past. 

Sitting in my counselor's office the next day, we determined that I had a binge eating disorder. I occasionally overeat, but it was no longer a binge eating disorder. 

I struggled some when I was in China, and in the MTC, but my true binge eating began after I had after I had my second son. 

My husband had finished his last semester of college, but we had his internship to finish. We went on food stamps at the time. We had access to buy more than enough food.

I would binge to the point I was literally sick to my stomach for about six months. But I also discovered I had gall stones a year later, so that may have made me sick too.

Once my husband had a stable job, I binged less. In all this time, I never purged.

I realized when I truly stopped binge eating was when I took my Weigh to Health class through Intermountain Healthcare four years ago. I learned about intuitive eating. I eat until I feel full. I listen to my body's cues.

When I first was rejected from the weight loss competition a year ago, I was very upset. I wrote an essay to express my need for being in the competition that ultimately disqualified me. I was over binge eating, but I still had body image issues.

I came across Lexie and Lindsay Kites' Beauty Redefined website. I took the statement "My body is an instrument. Not an ornament " to heart. My body is to be useful for everyday living. And I have lived in my body and enjoy living. I don't worry about how I look or about my weight over the past year.

I am so much healthier emotionally. My body is healthier physically because I am focused on small fitness goals like 5000 steps a day. I don't worry about food. That only stressed me where I binged. It backfired. I have found more peace just focusing on eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.

It has helped being on new medication, topiramate for 18 months now for my bipolar. My other medicines don't cause extra hunger like the original medications I had 15 years ago did.

I no longer obsess about getting cool sculpting, liposuction, breast augmentation, or other kind of body altering surgery like I used to. My body is just fine as it is. It is an instrument to accomplishing whatever tasks I need to do.

I am healed from the body image issues that I suffered from for so many years.

A Depressing 100 Extra Pounds and Bleeding

238 lbs

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I have been bleeding since giving birth to my fourth son. It has driven me nuts. I have tried multiple things and it doesn't seem to fully work. I am more frustrated because the IUD and birth control pill have made me gain around 5+ lbs over the last month. Yet, they have lessened the bleeding to an extent. The "pill" has sent my emotions on a roller coaster that was well-controlled.

I have had an ultrasound and antibiotics. My doctor ruled out any left over placenta, glucose levels, thyroid problems, and other common issues. I have a slightly thickened endometrial lining.

I mentioned my problems on Facebook and friends and family suggested things. Mostly love and support. Many female friends empathized that they had similar bleeding that had no apparent reason for happening.

Sometimes, I wish I were male.

Well, not really.

I tried raspberry leaf tea and shepherd's purse. I stopped trying those a few days ago. Now I should be "on" bleeding with the pill. So maybe next week I should find out if the bleeding stops. I am embracing it this week. Haha.

I can't believe how much birth control can make me gain weight. So many things have been working against me for the last 13 years.

When I was 19, I had a breakdown at college. I was misdiagnosed with depression only and given an antidepressant. I gained 40 lbs over two years of taking it. I was active for most of that time. It was a stressful time I suppose at school, teaching English in China, and a brief mission. In China and the MTC, I didn't have the option to eat anytime, so I scarfed down more food at meals. I felt no control.

At 21, I switched medication and started more medications. I had a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I started the patch a few months later when I married, which made me gain 5 lbs. I don't believe the bipolar medications had made me gain weight.

I lost 16 lbs puking through my first pregnancy. I tried going off my mood stabilizer and started a new antidepressant while breastfeeding. Eight weeks later, I went back on the mood stabilizer plus the antidepressant.

That antidepressant was notorious for gaining weight. Over the course of taking that medication, I gained 45 lbs. I had one more child, 2 IUDs in and out, 9 moves, a broken foot, and joblessness. That stress might have contributed.

So much has happened to my body. I had two more children with my body gaining, losing, and finally gaining. Changed medications several times. I had periods of losing 5-10 lbs., but it returned when stress hit.

Currently, I am 238 lbs. I figure I am gaining weight because of stress, lack of sleep, overeating, and too little activity. I don't know what perfect storm caused me to gain 100 lbs in the last 13 years. Medication and birth control don't help.

The extra weight holds me back from my dreams. I feel the weight hang off my belly and I just want to cry sometimes. It is just the last 15 lbs that has really depressed me.

Anyway, there's my pity party.

So here's a new year. Go to bed by 10 pm. Tell my infant to sleep through the night every night. Tell my toddler to sleep through the entire night too. Eat vegetables and fruit. Reduce stress. Blah...

I bought a stationary bike, which I ride for about 15 minutes a day. It helps in the winter.

I Love My Body Because...

The presenter at my weight loss class suggested we write a list of why we love our bodies. She called them amazing machines that keep going despite how much we push them. But we need to appreciate our bodies at the present moment and not at some imaginary weight or figure. Besides, we can only control our actions and influence our weight.

I love my body NOW because...

I value the strength that my body has (under layers of fat). I can carry my toddler around, give piggy-back rides to my older boys, and carry heavy laundry loads. I have the strength within me to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders with divine help.

My hands, my mouth, my eyes, and my ears work together to communicate and listen. I can speak with all the speech organs--vocal chords, tongue, teeth, palate, nose, and more. My ears hear words from others that I can respond to. My eyes read written thoughts and sense body language. I can type and write my thoughts with my hands.

My body can walk several miles, can run for short spurts, and rest nicely. I have use of all my limbs with only some fat limiting my mobility. I'm reminded I'm lucky when some of my family members have limited use of their limbs.

I identify myself as a redhead. My hair may look more brown, but it still has red in it still! People dye their hair trying to achieve my hair color and highlights, but only I have this blend of shades sprouting from my head.

My body provides me with many opportunities that I would not have if I had remained only a spirit. The flesh brings new experiences and joys. I grow stronger emotionally, spiritually, and physically because of my body.

I imagine myself as a healthy, slender person. At times I feel my ideal self and forget that I have a few dozen extra pounds. I love my body because of its potential as I care for it. 

My Progress

I lost one pound over the last three weeks and am so happy I haven't gained weight! I made a small amount of progress besides maintaining my health. I enjoyed less candy on Halloween than usual. Yea me!

I am in bed most nights before 11 pm, which is a feat for me! That still remains one of my goals. I don't know what reward to use though.

I'm focusing on getting more vegetables and fruits in my diet. I try to add a little protein and fat to each meal to help me feel fuller longer. I still follow some of The Formula guidelines.

My exercise is spotty, but I was sick for almost two weeks. I do get one or two toning exercises in a week and some cardio (usually cleaning the house).

What do you love about your body? Are you able to appreciate your body before reaching your "ideal" body image? How are you doing on your goals?

The Nervous Fish Husband Cook

"29 lb" by Simon Britton

I read about the benefits of eating fish, but I don't really like fish. Here's why: my brother caught fish growing up and they always stunk. The slime would stick to their skin--just gross. He caught an inedible carp and he gave it to his dog, Athens. Seeing that convinced me even more that I hate fish. Those strange scales like a palm tree scattered across the dirt. Cringe. I must have a texture issue.

Anyway, I asked my husband to buy fish at the store yesterday. I am going to try fish again (I'm okay with halibut). He was so nervous trying to pick out the fish--he had to pick the best so I'll like it. So now we have a slab of salmon, the most expensive fish at the store. My husband has been sweating over preparing the salmon right. He wants me to like it so much. I told him not to worry about whether or not I like it. I'm already biased against fish, but I'm trying something new! He's cooking the salmon right now. I'll report the results later.

"Salmon with Green Onion" by Helen Barth Villareal

I'm counting my servings for each category under the diabetic exchange system: fat, starch, protein, vegetables, fruit, and dairy. I tend to have 2-4 more servings of starches than I need, but I eat less than I did before. I've kept my goal of tracking food. Getting in the vegetables and fruit can be a little difficult, but I'm doing better than before. It doesn't help that my sons take my food.

About half the time, my two older boys eat the strawberries and raspberries within a day or two. I haven't even cracked the case open and it's almost gone. Last weekend, they left my fruit alone, but not this weekend. It's good for them to eat fruit, but let the other three people in the house have some too! Sometimes, my husband and I charge them a dollar when they eat something before we get any.

This reminds me of when the dietitian asks if I eat food in secret. The answer is complicated. I hide and eat food in secret from my children, but not my husband. My husband won't eat it all or beg for half of it. As long as you won't beg for my food, I'll binge eat in front of you.

My husband gets jealous when he sees me build my salads. He was talking about it so I described more what I put on my salad. It made him hungrier. Do you think the experiment will work on you? Mix spinach, mushrooms, sliced almonds, shredded cheese, a little dressing, and some croutons. I added cucumbers yesterday. The almonds, croutons, and cucumbers add some crunch. On occasion, I'll add avocado slices. Did it work?

Setting Goals

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Yesterday I attended the orientation meeting for the community weight loss program. There were four people there, including me. We have homework assignments now: choose a food tracking method, a menu planning method, and three goals.

I will track by pen and paper because it is what I'm willing to do most consistently. The dietitian stressed we should choose only what we are willing to do.

I have three choices for a menu planning method: counting calories, diabetic exchange system, or the plate method. Counting calories stresses me. It isn't quite as stressful using an app like MyFitnessPal, but I don't have a smart phone to have easy access. The diabetic exchange seems a little complicated, but I'm considering it. The plate method may better fit my lifestyle. I may blend the diabetic exchange system and plate method.

For the goal setting, the dietitian had a worksheet to make specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-sensitive, engaging, and rewarding goals (SMARTER). I'm considering what my goals should be. Here's a stab at it:

1. Go to bed between 9:30-10 pm five nights a week for one month. My reward will be a professional massage.

2. Tracking food every day for a week. My reward will be one late night reading.

3. Exercising 3-4 times a week (including toning) for 20 minutes. My reward will be an outing with my sister and mother (no kids!).

I've done better going to bed earlier. In fact, I had energy today to clean my three bathrooms, sort papers, and put some stuff away.

Feel Stressed

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Sometimes I feel like I think about too many things. I'm worried about this cause and that cause and my brain runs in circles. Maybe I'm spreading myself intellectually and emotionally thin. The stress affects my weight loss goals, but then I've tried to chill about my obsession over that for the past two weeks. I need to just breathe. It doesn't matter if the world goes to pot. What can I do to change it? Only a little bit.

My mental and physical health need to come first. Causes can come in long after. I'm afraid I posted on my Facebook page for a discussion and I already feel stressed from the first response. I don't want to think anymore! But I do. I want to be heard amid the billions of voices out there. I want others to validate what I say. And I want sanity.

It's been a crazy week so far where I'm just eating to survive and maybe too stressed to sleep well. My husband's car broke down on Sunday when we were visiting family. While his car has been in the shop, he's been using the family van to commute to work (mine!). Today we drove 20 miles to pick up the car from a mechanic my husband trusts during his lunch hour. I didn't get my usual 30 minute lunch nap because of that. The toddler didn't get his nap either. (Maybe that's why I'm so grumpy.) Then my husband had to go into work tonight, which has rarely happened in the past four years. He's my support with the boys.

I get frustrated when I can't write as often as I'd like to. My toddler bangs against the keyboard and plays with our multiple monitors (yes, we have more than one monitor hooked up to each computer; my husband is a computer gamer and software developer). I want my toddler to just sit calmly in my lap while I type. That's the antithesis of what toddlers are.

Tomorrow I begin an educational and nutritional counseling program for the next six months. I hope this helps me. I felt good about signing up for it. Everything just takes so much effort. Let me sleep for a century, please.

Sunburn Funburn

"The Sun" by Maliz Ong

Yesterday I went to the doctor about my ingrown toenails. I asked her if obesity can make them worse. She said yes. Well, I just need to lose 50+ pounds now. She referred me to a nutritionist. I called the nutritionist, but only got the voicemail.

In an attempt to be more active, I went to the pool with my boys. I was spraying on sunscreen when the bottle ran out. Only my arms got covered. I found an old tube of sunscreen and tried rubbing it on me. Well, I'd find out later the results on my skin.

The two oldest played while my toddler clung to me. My toddler ventured out for ten minutes in the splash pool. He smiled at me. Then he toppled off two steps and fell all the way in the water. I caught him and just held him while he recovered emotionally. He was fine otherwise. I hate when this type of thing happens because my toddler gets nervous around water again. He takes a long time to venture in the water on his own.

I didn't swim during the entire time, but I lugged a toddler from the big pool to the kiddie pool several times while chasing my two older boys. I also exercised taking the stroller back and forth.

Last night when I got ready for bed, I saw a sunburn outline of my swimsuit across my back. I guess that other sunscreen was out of date. Sunburns make me exhausted too (or sun exhaustion).

Today I vacuumed the upstairs bedrooms, cleaned the tub, swept the kitchen floor, cleaned the counters, did a load of dishes, couple loads of laundry, folded one load of laundry, took out trash, and told my husband about it. I want to brag to somebody. He appreciates the clean house. He then vacuumed the downstairs. Yea for clean floors! Lots more to clean, but the house is livable and I am exhausted.

I tried out Greek yogurt today. I had some a long time ago, but it was a strange apple pie flavor. I mixed some plain Greek yogurt with raspberries and a couple squirts of agave syrup. It had a strong flavor, but tasted okay. Greek yogurt is the rage because it has more protein in it than regular yogurt, but it is an acquired taste. Does the extra protein make it taste funky?

Tonight I made homemade pizza. I'm wondering if it has fewer calories than take-out pizza. It must. I make wheat/white flour dough and pile on the veggies. I used Canadian bacon too. It has very little grease, so that's a positive. I don't know. My problem is portion control.

Such is life.

Early Morning Body Fat Test

"Anatomy Hight-tech" by Виталий Смолыгин

Before 7 am, I went in for body fat testing. I couldn't sleep all night because I was nervous about making it on time, not the testing. It's hard getting of the house before 9:30 am. I got about half the sleep I usually do even though I was in bed by 10 pm. Before I left, my husband decided he should exercise. Suppose it was good I was awake earlier.

So 39.1% of my body is fat. That's very encouraging. Yea right. The fitness instructor pointed out that I have 14% of fat to lose and then I would be in the healthy range. The healthy range for women is 18-26% body fat for women. Some fat is a good thing!

After my second child, I met a tall 120-lb. woman who tried hard to gain weight. No matter how much she ate, she couldn't gain. I proposed I give her some of my fat. If only it worked that way. I would love to give 14% of my fat to someone who wants it!

I wish I had done a body fat test when I first started with a trainer last October. I had lost inches, but stayed the same weight. My body fat must have been lower. However, I became discouraged around March and April and gained weight again. My psychiatrist said it was from lack of sleep. She said, "Go to bed on time!" Maybe seeing a lower percentage of body fat would've encouraged me. I had to stop going to group training sessions for the summer.

Today I did some toning while watching Love It or List It. Who else likes home improvement shows? My toddler held up his arms for me to hold him. He becomes my weights when I do squats and calf raises.

So far, I've eaten better today. I had cereal with strawberries and sausage (my protein). I felt full for four hours and then I ate the remaining two slices of pizza from last night. (Last night I binged on fruit leather and had three slices of pizza. Good on pizza, but not so much fruit leather.) Had some natural peanut butter mixed with protein powder on celery. I like doing this to get in my vegetables.
Dinner tonight is a toss-up. I have leftover chicken taco soup or I could make something else. Order pizza, anyone? I am not a big fan of cooking for five every day. Occasionally I love to cook. If I let my husband cook dinner, it will be spaghetti. No more spaghetti!

My Challenge for You and Me

I'm struggling losing weight, but I want to keep the cost low. This is a personal challenge and I would like others to join me on this journey. So I have some criteria to keep track of while we strive to be more healthy. The focus will be more on what we can control than what we can't control. We can't control our exact weight, but we can control other aspects of our lives.

What Can We Control?

We can control what we eat. No matter how little or much money we have, most of us can control what food we eat, or at least the portions of what we eat. Grocery bills don't have to be high on special weight loss food. Simple foods work.

We can control how active we are. Almost everyone has the ability to move around and get cardio workouts in. You can get moving anywhere. No need for an expensive gym. Toning is another aspect of activity. We need to strengthen muscles, but we don't need a lot of equipment to do so--maybe a resistance band, a couple weights, chair, and space.

We can control when and how long we sleep. Adults need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. It's better to get more sleep during the night than the morning. Lack of sleep can cause weight gain! I'm working on being in bed before 11 pm every night. My goal should be 10 pm. Protect your sleep as much as possible. Sometimes we have to adjust sleeping schedules for various reasons.

What We'll Keep Track Of

We can keep track of what we eat, but the focus will be on number of vegetable and fruit servings. We'll report what we eat each day in the comments. We can eat whatever, but try and keep it balanced. My former trainer suggested the Zone diet 40-30-30. Some of my food will come from that. No calorie tracking! That only stresses me out. 

We will report cardio and toning. The goal will be 20 minutes of cardio three times a week and two sessions of toning. Remember to stretch!

Finally, we will track when we go to bed and how long we sleep. You determine a healthy time for you to go to bed. We want at least 7 hours of sleep a night.

We'll keep track of each other in the comments or you are welcome to email me your report. You may report anonymously--just have some type of pseudonym to keep track of you.

10 Point System

3+ veggies                                     2 points

2+ fruits                                         2 points

20 minutes aerobic exercise          2 points

Toning                                           2 points

Sleep                                              2 points

Anyone up for the challenge?