Redefining My Body Image

Via Public Domain Photos

I started this post a year ago, but never published it because the feelings were too fresh.

I was accepted into a contest to lose weight before Christmas of 2017--and then the committee let me go because they felt I had an eating disorder. (I had submitted an essay explaining my weight struggles.) They suggested a clinic.

I looked at the clinic's website. I took the tests on the site for anorexia/bulimia and binge eating disorder. I scored healthy on the first test. I scored mostly healthy on the next text. I knew that I didn't have anorexia or bulimia, but I had struggled with binge eating in the past. 

Sitting in my counselor's office the next day, we determined that I had a binge eating disorder. I occasionally overeat, but it was no longer a binge eating disorder. 

I struggled some when I was in China, and in the MTC, but my true binge eating began after I had after I had my second son. 

My husband had finished his last semester of college, but we had his internship to finish. We went on food stamps at the time. We had access to buy more than enough food.

I would binge to the point I was literally sick to my stomach for about six months. But I also discovered I had gall stones a year later, so that may have made me sick too.

Once my husband had a stable job, I binged less. In all this time, I never purged.

I realized when I truly stopped binge eating was when I took my Weigh to Health class through Intermountain Healthcare four years ago. I learned about intuitive eating. I eat until I feel full. I listen to my body's cues.

When I first was rejected from the weight loss competition a year ago, I was very upset. I wrote an essay to express my need for being in the competition that ultimately disqualified me. I was over binge eating, but I still had body image issues.

I came across Lexie and Lindsay Kites' Beauty Redefined website. I took the statement "My body is an instrument. Not an ornament " to heart. My body is to be useful for everyday living. And I have lived in my body and enjoy living. I don't worry about how I look or about my weight over the past year.

I am so much healthier emotionally. My body is healthier physically because I am focused on small fitness goals like 5000 steps a day. I don't worry about food. That only stressed me where I binged. It backfired. I have found more peace just focusing on eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.

It has helped being on new medication, topiramate for 18 months now for my bipolar. My other medicines don't cause extra hunger like the original medications I had 15 years ago did.

I no longer obsess about getting cool sculpting, liposuction, breast augmentation, or other kind of body altering surgery like I used to. My body is just fine as it is. It is an instrument to accomplishing whatever tasks I need to do.

I am healed from the body image issues that I suffered from for so many years.

Follow-up on Medication

After taking phentermine for a month, I stopped because I ran out before I had a doctor visit. I had difficulty falling asleep on this stimulant.

At my doctor visit, I asked about other ideas. We thought of the generics of Contrave, which are buproprion (Wellbutrin) and naltrexone. Wellbutrin costs less, but not the naltrexone. It cost more than $100 for a month's worth. He prescribed Metformin to control blood sugar, and Wellbutrin as an experiment.

Ultimately, I tried Wellbutrin and Metformin. I stopped taking the Metformin because of the bowel symptoms. I stayed on Wellbutrin for 2 months with few results. I fluctuate within the same weight range since giving birth last year. I never returned to my PCP because the only medications left cost the weight of an arm and a leg.

I lost 2-4 lbs. when I went to sleep before 10:30 for a week. Going to bed on time, had a greater effect than anything else I have tried.

So what should be my goal? Go to sleep by midnight every night!

I bought a Fitbit the end of June. Now I have more information. I realize that I eat the same amount of calories as I burn most days. I usually hit 8000-10,000 steps a day and have active minutes from doing housework.

Since coming off the Wellbutrin, my appetite may have increased--due to stress. I have binged on several times when I felt bored or stressed. I gained 6 lbs back during my trip to see the eclipse and family.

My new fresh-out-of-residency psychiatrist said that Wellbutrin alone won't have much effect on weight loss. We discussed changing my mood stabilizer to topiramate and my antidepressant to buproprion, which are both ingredients in weight loss medications. My previous psychiatrist discouraged topiramate since brain fog is a symptom. My current psychiatrist said that symptom only occurred in some people. The "brain fog" at a lesser degree clears racing thoughts.

I am thinking of changing my psychiatric medications now. My mood stabilizer has worked for 11 years, and my current antidepressant has worked for 5 years. Neither of them cause weight gain. Changing medications takes several months. Those medications aren't guaranteed to work for my bipolar 2.

For now, I need to focus on going to bed earlier (barring my baby waking at all hours in the night), eating less and reducing stress.

Weight loss is such a puzzle.

Update:

I started the topiramate.

Trying Medication

Via Public Domain Photos

I talked with my dietitian three weeks ago about taking medication to lose weight. We discussed the different options--fat inhibitors or appetite suppressants. One medication I can't take because it conflicts with my current medications.

I thought my dietitian might be able to write the prescription, but she said she couldn't.

I asked about Lipozene and she couldn't find it in the normal drug database. She googled it. Lipozene is just fiber from the konjac root. It helps you feel fuller. It is fiber.

At the visit, I weighed the same as I did in February. The five pounds I gained came off. The big difference was when I stopped tracking my food and exercise. Tracking caused me stress.

I said my goal would be intuitive "living" by listening to my body's hunger and sleep cues. I still need to go to bed on time, eat veggies and fruits, and add some exercise. Just not stress about it.

I made an appointment to see my primary care physician. I used my preventive visit to make it "free". On my cell phone, I checked which prescriptions my insurance would cover--none of them. I took medications that put on the weight that insurance paid for. Why won't insurance pay for medications that take it off? 

Really, my insurance pays for several dietitian visits as preventive visits, and a specialist copay after that. Dietitians help more than medication since they impart wisdom.

My doctor said fat inhibitors like Orlistat can cause diarrhea and incontinent bowel movements. Joy. He said eating enough vegetables would inhibit fat too without diarrhea. Instead, I vowed to eat more veggies.

We decided on an appetite suppressant to try for one month. I have taken it for a couple weeks without weight loss (as far as I can tell). I feel hungry less often and eat less. The medication is a stimulant, which has interfered with sleep to some degree. I take a sleeping pill anyway.

I weighed myself more than once a week, which caused me stress. My new focus is on what I can control instead of what I can't control. I can't control the number on the scale, but I can control what I eat. I can exercise. I can.

One Month After Dietitian Visit

Via Public Domain

I weighed in at 241.2 lbs at the dietitian last week. So I gained 3 lbs in one month. The culprit was a bulk size of Red Vines. I ate most of the package over several days. My boys ate some, but I ate the bulk of it. Moderation in all things!

Also, I had an ingrown toenail taken care of. I didn't exercise for two weeks because I limped around. I finally started exercising again last week. I probably could have rode more on my stationary bike in the meantime.

My former roommate started a Biggest Loser challenge that I joined. I wonder if that was a smart idea or not. Does it depress me more? Or does it motivate me? I have tried to exercise more since I began the challenge. One good benefit. But I am more preoccupied about my weight.

I have tracked my food intake for one month now! It is a lot easier with a phone app. Before I used pen and paper or had to log on my desktop computer. I only got a smart phone a year ago.

My new goal is to create a social rhythm, such as go to bed on time and exercise. I have bipolar 2, which is a circadian rhythm disorder besides a mood disorder. A schedule helps control mood. I have been out of whack with the time change and spring equinox. This article explains it.

Free Preventive Visits

Via Public Domain Photos

My insurance pays for several dietitian visits as part of the preventive visits. I am taking advantage of these free visits (not really free since we pay thousands in insurance).

I have worked with this dietitian before. Since then, I've gotten pregnant, had a baby, bled for four months and took a bunch of hormones. Those wrecked havoc on my body. So this is my fresh start.

I set new goals:

1. Go to sleep by a certain hour for 5/7 days for four weeks.

A week into this and I have gone to bed one night at this time. Other nights I made it within an hour of that time. Another night, I stayed up feeding my infant. That counts as going to bed earlier because that was what I started to do before he cried.

2. Keep a food journal 4 days a week.

Last week I recorded half a day on paper. This was not simple enough for my lifestyle. Last night I loaded an app on my phone to track my food. Since I am on my phone when I feed my infant, I have time to track then.

3. Eat 2 vegetables a day.

She suggested trying to add a vegetable to lunch and dinner. Add a snack or side salad. She mentioned that I don't want to have the same vegetable all the time in case I tire of it. I've worked on some more vegetables. I already get my fruit in most days.

I have been exercising around two times a week. I saved money by buying a used stationary bike. This has helped me exercise more. I chose not to make this a goal since I have incorporated it into my week already. Though it is an underlying goal.

Next time, I may work on dealing with stress. It has been crazy with four boys and my other responsibilities over the last month.

The dietitian said to keep my goals realistic enough that I will do them. I need to be comfortable with them. Broken goals mean no progress. So one step at a time.

Not Pregnant Anymore!

"Mom pushing baby stroller"

I was so happy when I had my fourth boy out of my body. I can't remember the pain. I remember: I can bend again! God knew what he was doing when he made women forget.

During the last two months of my pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes. Ironically, the placenta can make a woman's body insulin resistant. I avoided sugary drinks and more sugary stuff near the end. I drank diet soda again despite the diarrhea. My doctor put me on metformin, which caused more diarrhea. Couldn't tell the difference anymore.

I had to check my blood sugar two to three times a day. I got good at poking my fingers and "milking" out blood. A dietitian and my doctor gave me two different ranges. The dietitian gave me strict guidelines and my doctor and the nurse educator gave me less strict guidelines. Who do I follow? Anyway, I dropped the dietitian because my doctor hadn't referred me to her, but maternal-fetal medicine doctors.

Taking my blood sugar, I had to wait two hours after eating to check my blood sugar. Even worse, I had to take a fasting blood sugar. For a nauseated woman, that's torture! I hated food, but I still had to have it to settle my stomach.

My doctor suggested I take walks within two hours after having a meal. The dietitian said that exercising your muscles has a backdoor to process glycogen that doesn't require insulin. Isn't exercise amazing!

The moment I had the baby, I was so excited not to prick myself anymore. And I could return to eating normally--not worry about counting carbs. At my six week checkup, my blood sugar was 75. The moment my placenta came out, my pancreas worked like it should to product insulin.

However, I am at higher risk for diabetes in the future. Losing weight would help a lot! I could lose 100 pounds and be the right weight. Isn't that depressing?

I have been walking some and doing chores, but not much formal exercise. I try bending more from my hips and knees instead of straining my back. It hurts from holding a baby and toddler.

For awhile, I dropped to what I was prepregnancy at 230 lbs. I am teetering a bit above, depending on bloating. I just shake my tummy fat in despair.

So, I am debating what best to do for exercise again. It is tricky with a baby and toddler who both want to be held most of the day. Oh the joy. Somehow I will figure it out.

Weight Loss: Pregnancy

I lost 2 pounds at my last doctor check up and the medical assistant was worried. I'm not worried. I lost 16 lbs. on my first pregnancy and gained it all back!

I did nothing to lose weight on purpose. Morning sickness. I have gained 15 lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy, so I am not worried. If I lost a lot of weight simply because I was exercising and eating healthier, but not dieting, I would be fine. Or if I gain weight while being healthy, I am fine.

I am eating healthier than I did my last pregnancy. I gained several pounds from drinking so much juice and sweet drinks at the end. I am trying to drink fewer sugary drinks. I am paying more attention to how full or hungry I feel.

My only goal is to survive the last trimester alive.

Program Almost Done--Now It's Done

Wrote this part last week:

My son is watching me while I write on the computer. It drives me nuts. He is just laughing...even harder. He fell over a bag of chips. He creeps closer as I type 'me.' His laugh is maniacal. I'm telling him my bubble is the length of my arm. I've never liked anyone looking over my shoulder while I write or I am on the computer.

Anyway, to the point. This month I finish the weight loss class I've been doing. I have learned a lot about eating, sleeping, making change and so forth. Permanent weight loss takes time and isn't a fad diet.

This week:

I had my last appointment a week ago and I was down to 226.5 lbs from 232 lbs six months ago--5 1/2 lbs lighter! I lost 1.25 inches around my waist.  That's a significant amount!

My Body Image

For two or three years, I've wanted to have liposuction because it feels like the only way I can succeed. However, I know it isn't the only way. I see the bodyshaping commercials now and I feel more comfortable with my body (most of the time!).

It will take time for me to lose the weight in a more permanent fashion. Surgery costs money and has complications--no matter what any surgeon may say. Losing weight doesn't have to cost a dime!

I have a better body image than I used to. I am beautiful in whatever stage I am in. I used to see other women and feel extremely jealous of their thinner bodies. I still feel a pang of jealousy, but I no longer feel depressed (for too long) about it. I have a body that functions and I am healthy--besides my weight.

I had a two-day bout of jealousy last week of slender silhouettes. Ah, I'm jealous! But life goes on.

Sleeping Habits

My sleeping habits are getting better. I have done yoga one other night this week. Mostly, I avoid stressing subjects an hour before bed and I am retiring around 9:30 to 10:30 most nights. I am making considerable progress.

I stayed up until 2 am reading Julie Klassen's latest book, A Painter's Daughter, last Thursday. I need to find a better solution to when I bring home a library book in the evening.

Since first writing this post last week, I have stayed up until 11 pm or later. I retired by 10:30 last night. My goal will by 10 pm.

Struggling with Goals

Goals are elusive beasts. If I write down my goals or get too specific, it stresses me out at times. Lists stress me out. Somehow I need to find a balance that fits my personality.

Rewards are another tricky subject. What can I use as a reward? Anything I choose, I will buy myself anyway or do that activity anyway. I feel like their are natural rewards to health goals: I get HEALTHIER and HAPPIER. Other rewards are beyond my reach or my attention span. I'm making progress.

I talked with my dietitian and she said that natural rewards make sense. She liked my approach. These rewards are free and happen when you fulfill your goals. They are natural consequences.

Exercise

Exercise makes the biggest difference in what I do. I've lost inches in the past when I exercise 60+ minutes 4-5 times a week. I'm trying a new exercise program that involves my children too.

Formal exercise has always been tricky because of toddlers. My toddler was sick all last week, so I went a week without going. I exercised some at home, but I was sick for two days too. 

My youngest had his larger-than-life adenoids removed last September, so he has fewer colds. He can breathe normally too! That has made exercise a little easier. He wants to be held while I exercise.

I found a walking partner again! It's been a couple years since I had a walking partner. My other partners get too busy or move away or I moved away.

Intuitive Eating Attempts

I rarely track my food because it stresses me. I'm focusing instead on eating when I'm hungry and adding vegetables and fruit to my diet. The hunger scale helps me gauge my hunger. Last night I ate beyond the full stage to uncomfortable. (It was a difficult day yesterday.)

I am making progress because I don't eat to the point I'm literally sick. Five years ago to the week, I went into the emergency room with such pain. I had gall stones, which made me throw up when overeating fatty foods.

After that, I ate a little less because I remembered the awful pain. But I still ate until I felt beyond uncomfortable. Over the last two years, I've tried to be more careful.

Just Keep Swimming--Dory

My life is making it one day at a time. I don't like to plan, but I have to do some. Weight loss is a long term goal and then weight maintenance. I hope that I can be slender within the next year. I just need to stay active and pay attention to intuitive eating.

Here's to one more day!

Thoughts on New Years Resolutions

"Happy New Year" by Circe Denyer

Resolution from the Latin resolutionem is "process of reducing things into simpler forms." I'm thinking of What About Bob? where Bill Murray's character takes literal baby steps to achieve his goals. Losing weight is achieving small goals on a daily basis as a process.

So my journey is a process, but I want it done now!

What should I do to make this year a success? My success last year was maintaining my weight for six months. I should think of that as success anyway :).

1. My goal is still to go to bed by 10 pm. I have succeeded at going to bed earlier than in the past. 
2. Eat when I'm hungry. I use the hunger scale to determine if it's time to eat (most of the day).
3. Exercise, but for how much?

I tried yoga before bed to help me fall asleep. It helped doing a PM session meant to calm me down. However, that takes up time before bed!

I'm not sure if I've gained or lost any weight over the holidays. I've had some active days, but some days where my cold drained my energy and emotions. I had so much hope for a productive and fun holiday, but it has been pretty lazy.

I weighed myself before and after bathing. It was a difference of two or three pounds. Is that how much dirt I was carrying on my body? Gross to think about. I figured I'd weigh more because my long hair was wet.

How much does wet hair weigh? I found this post where the woman says her wet hair was .2 pounds heavier than dry hair. This article states that being wet only adds a few ounces to weight.

How Much Exercise Do Adults Need a Week?

"Exhausted Woman" by Petr Kratochvil

Personal Progress First

I went to my psychiatrist six months ago and she suggested I join a weight loss program. I started a program at a local health organization two months later.

Today, I went to my psychiatrist's office and I weighed the same as six months ago. She said it was good I maintained my weight over Halloween and Thanksgiving. Yes, I have done well! In between those visits I had gained 3 or 4 lbs. which I lost.

Two weeks ago, I weighed in at 230 lbs. That was a 1/2 lb. gain from my previous class. I was wearing different clothes than usual. Clothes can weigh a lot!

How Much Exercise Do Adults Need a Week?

A month ago, the personal trainer taught the second class about exercise. She went over how much exercise it takes to maintain heart health, maintain weight, and lose weight. I've been shooting for more exercise ever since. These guidelines are for adults 18-64. Look here for other age guidelines.

Exercise to Maintain Health

• 30 minutes a day five times a week -or-
• 2 hours and 30 minutes throughout the week -or-
• 75 minutes of intense aerobic exercise throughout the week
• and 2-3 times of toning during the week

Exercise to Maintain Weight

• 60 minutes a day five times a week -or-
• 5 hours throughout the week -or-
• 2 hours and 30 minutes of intense aerobic exercise throughout the week
• and 2-3 times of toning during the week

 Source:  2015 CDC guidelines

Exercise to Lose Weight

• 90 minutes a day five times a week
• 7 hours and 30 minutes throughout the week (following the pattern above)
• 5 hours of intense aerobic exercise throughout the week (following the pattern above)
• and 2-3 times of toning during the week

Source: WebMD

Anyone can take exercise to an extreme, so be careful not to overexercise. Your body needs a few days of recovery between exercise. Otherwise, you will feel overtired and may cause injuries to your body. Moderation in all things.

Now I am shooting for 90 minutes of exercise several days of the week. Previously, I only tried for 30-60 minutes three times a week, which is why I haven't had much success losing weight.

I have worked on some of my other issues such as getting enough sleep, reducing stress, and eating more vegetables and fruit. Because of this and increasing exercise time, I hope I will lose weight instead of maintain my weight. Or heaven forbid--gain weight!

Have you ever had trouble losing weight even though you are exercising and eating right?

I Love My Body Because...

The presenter at my weight loss class suggested we write a list of why we love our bodies. She called them amazing machines that keep going despite how much we push them. But we need to appreciate our bodies at the present moment and not at some imaginary weight or figure. Besides, we can only control our actions and influence our weight.

I love my body NOW because...

I value the strength that my body has (under layers of fat). I can carry my toddler around, give piggy-back rides to my older boys, and carry heavy laundry loads. I have the strength within me to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders with divine help.

My hands, my mouth, my eyes, and my ears work together to communicate and listen. I can speak with all the speech organs--vocal chords, tongue, teeth, palate, nose, and more. My ears hear words from others that I can respond to. My eyes read written thoughts and sense body language. I can type and write my thoughts with my hands.

My body can walk several miles, can run for short spurts, and rest nicely. I have use of all my limbs with only some fat limiting my mobility. I'm reminded I'm lucky when some of my family members have limited use of their limbs.

I identify myself as a redhead. My hair may look more brown, but it still has red in it still! People dye their hair trying to achieve my hair color and highlights, but only I have this blend of shades sprouting from my head.

My body provides me with many opportunities that I would not have if I had remained only a spirit. The flesh brings new experiences and joys. I grow stronger emotionally, spiritually, and physically because of my body.

I imagine myself as a healthy, slender person. At times I feel my ideal self and forget that I have a few dozen extra pounds. I love my body because of its potential as I care for it. 

My Progress

I lost one pound over the last three weeks and am so happy I haven't gained weight! I made a small amount of progress besides maintaining my health. I enjoyed less candy on Halloween than usual. Yea me!

I am in bed most nights before 11 pm, which is a feat for me! That still remains one of my goals. I don't know what reward to use though.

I'm focusing on getting more vegetables and fruits in my diet. I try to add a little protein and fat to each meal to help me feel fuller longer. I still follow some of The Formula guidelines.

My exercise is spotty, but I was sick for almost two weeks. I do get one or two toning exercises in a week and some cardio (usually cleaning the house).

What do you love about your body? Are you able to appreciate your body before reaching your "ideal" body image? How are you doing on your goals?

2.5 Lbs. Gone and an Oncoming Cold

"Cold Winter Time" by Petr Kratochvil

I lost 2.5 lbs as of last Thursday. I haven't weighed myself today, but I may later tonight. My emotions stay more positive when I only weigh myself once a week--or every other week. What helped me lose those pounds? Honestly, I don't know. I ate okay, went to bed on time most nights, and toned two times a week. Only simple things. I stressed little over my weight.

In the stress management class, the dietitian mentioned a client that kept gaining weight because she stressed over her weight. When she stopped stressing over her weight, she lost the weight. It's like when infertile couples stop worrying about having a baby and they finally get pregnant. Simply control what I can do--exercise, eat right, and sleep--and not worry about what I can't control.

This morning I felt a cold coming on--the ache between my mouth and nose. My body feels slightly weaker and I feel tired. I probably have a cold because I stayed up until 1:30 am a few nights ago. It weakened my immune response. Now I'm taking steps to be rid of this cold faster.

Here are my tips to overcome a cold:

(You know you want to read them, even if they will do nothing.)

• Take vitamin C on the hour, every hour the moment I feel the ache in my nasal cavity.
• Drink lots of fluids.
• Nap, sleep.
• Be lazy.
• Disinfect like crazy (if I have the energy).
• Ignore the messy house.
• Send my husband out for pizza.

I believe the vitamin C, liquids, and rest help. For my sanity, I need to let some things slide. Usually, on the third or fourth day, I disinfect my entire house and clean. Probably too little too late :).

How do I prevent colds--if I bother?

• Go to bed on time!
• Relax from stress.
• Avoid large amounts of sugar.
• Remind my kids to wash their hands; happens on occasion.
• Wash my own hands.
• Disinfect the house.
• Had surgery on my sinuses.

Inevitably, the cold comes. Getting sick is life and there's no way to avoid it. 

You could get the flu shot to prevent the flu. I hate flu shots and my husband bamboozled me into getting one this year. I felt achy for two days after. Instead, why not chance the flu? 

Unfortunately, there are no cold shots. I would get one of those! 

History of my Weight Scales

"Scale for Weighing" by Lynn Greyling

I've gained a pound when I went into class last week. So I was at 233 lbs. I weigh myself on my home scale and I'm 226 to 227. So, my home scale is off by six pounds. I always thought I was so skinny at home and then I suddenly gained weight at the doctor's office. Really? Scales should all agree! Maybe if we hooked them up wirelessly.

It's just a regular scale without any electronic parts. We had bought electronic scales in the past, but they would break.

With the first one, the washer drain hose wasn't hooked up to the sink so it flooded the laundry room. The electronics fried on the scale. It sort of worked after that, but I think we bought a second digital scale and it broke too. Maybe it got flooded by laundry or my boys played with it too much. Anyway, it stopped working correctly. And we had to put in new batteries all the time.

So I bought a cheap, no electronic scale. No one can ruin it! It's tough; it's durable; I can toss it down the stairs and stomp on it. Okay, it would probably break then. Maybe I should try that.

Scales are not my best friend because they lie to me and because they break too easily. Technically, I can adjust my manual scale by six pounds. Then it would stop lying to me.

I'll just lie to myself...I weigh 300 pounds. Wait...that's too high. I weigh 125 pounds. Wait...that's too low. I weigh the magic goal weight of 145-155 pounds. Yes that's right. Honestly, it would be nice to weigh 199 pounds. I would be in Onederland!

I see people who complain about being 20 lbs overweight and I wish that were my problem! On the other hand, other people would love to be 233 lbs. instead of over 300 lbs. It's all a matter of perspective.

A number doesn't always matter. It is more the percentage of body fat compared to lean muscle mass. BMI isn't exactly that reliable either. If you weigh more because of muscle mass, but have a healthy body fat percentage, your BMI could be high, but you would be perfectly healthy.

It's just a matter of personal health that reduces risks of heart disease, diabetes, joint pain, and other overweight medical problems. You can be slender or slightly overweight, as long as you are healthy.

What does it really boil down to? Being happy wherever you are on the journey and progressing toward overall health.

My Thoughts on Weight Loss Supplements

"Aluminum Pill Busters" by Lynn Greyling

In my weight loss class, we looked over a handout about what supplements work and don't work. Many products claim that they help you lose weight, but most have inconclusive evidence or can be dangerous. I've thought of listing all the supplements, but that's an exhaustive list. You can check out weight loss supplement facts here. I'll mention a few supplements.

Research Supplement from Credible Sources

If you have questions about a supplement, look at the scientific evidence and not the advertisements and anecdotal evidence. Find credible studies not funded by the seller. Second, make sure the supplement is safe. Find out more information about products on websites like the National Institute of Health, NSF International, or US Pharmocopeia. I tend to use WebMD. Use your best judgment.

One man I knew lost weight on fen-phen, but had a heart attack soon after. Fen-phen causes regurgitation in the heart valves for a small amount of people. Is that what happened to this man? Maybe. So, I'm wary about even FDA approved drugs because they may be pulled like Fen-phen.

Some Evidence Category

The some evidence category has capsaicin, green tea, and psyllium. I looked up capsaicin and it's naturally in hot peppers. Just eat chili peppers if you can stand the heartburn.

"White Cup of  a Green Tea" by Petr Kratochvil

When I taught English in China, I was occasionally served green tea and I tried a green tea popsicle (weird). But I was hesitant about green tea because of my religious health guide. Drinking tea is a sometimes fuzzy area among my congregation because we accept many herbal teas as beneficial, but most consider tea from the tea plant--white, black, oolong, and green--as against the health guide (see this article). The official religious website only mentions "tea" and "herbal tea" but not specific teas from the tea plant. Using my own judgment, I choose to avoid green tea.

After seeing psyllium on the list, I started taking psyllium fiber, just your regular fiber. I believe it may have helped me lose a pound or two, but I also reduced my stress those two weeks. It's supposed to help you feel fuller, but I still benefit from the regulating effects of fiber. (I refuse to take laxatives because I've seen a friend suffer from the aftereffects of anorexia/bulimia.)

Inconsistent Evidence

Under inconsistent evidence, I only recognize caffeine, ginseng, and St. John's Wort. The others are chromium, hydorxycitric acid, pyruvate, and linoleic acid.

I avoid large amounts of caffeine and only ingest some from chocolate and an occasional cola. It messes with my sleep rhythm and bipolar. The Mayo Clinic recommends under 500 mg a day for adults. Besides, energy drinks with high caffeine and other stimulants cause some teenagers heart palpitations, strokes, seizures, and sudden death (Source).

I took St. John's Wort in my late teens to relieve depression, but I didn't know it actually made my undiagnosed bipolar worse. It increased my hypomania and suicidal thoughts. St. John's Wort isn't for me.

UNSAFE But Effective

Bitter orange, ephedrine, Ma Huang (Ephedra) have strong evidence for weight loss, but are NOT recommended. Some people have had heart attacks, strokes, or died using weight loss supplements containing these ingredients. It's unclear if it may have been a combination of ingredients as the cause. Ma Huang causes mood problems. Why take the risk?

FDA Approved Supplements

There are a few FDA approved weight loss supplements, but most require a prescription. Essentially, they are a last resort if diet and exercise alone don't work. Orlistat blocks fat absorption and the others are appetite suppressants. Follow the links for more information. These drugs include:

• Alli (OTC)
• Orlistat (stronger version of Alli)
• Phentermine
• Phentermine + Topiramate = Qsymia
• Belviq
• Tenuate

Save Money--Don't Take Any

Weight loss supplements cost money and only some actually work or are safe. Might as well save money and work on other areas to improve weight loss first:

• Sleep
• Stress
• Social support
• Mental health
• Food tracking
• Portion control
• Physical activity

If you've addressed all these areas, then your doctor or dietitian may recommend weight loss supplements. If you take a supplement like fiber or drink green tea anyway, then it doesn't cost you more money.

I sometimes feel desperate about losing weight, but I'm not addressing some of my other issues such as stress, sleep, and physical activity. Right now I'm concentrating on sleep, reducing stress, eating fruits and vegetables, and being more active. I'll see where my journey takes me.

Have you taken any supplements and what happened for you? Any other thoughts?

Two-ish Pounds Gone!

I started my program seven weeks ago at 232 lbs; the next week at 234 (heavy clothes and pizza binge?); then slightly above 232 two weeks ago. Last night I weighed in at 230.5! I had concentrated the past two weeks on reducing stress and thinking of 3 good things before night time. I wrote about the stress management class on my mental health blog here.

Since one of my stresses is my weight, I only weighed myself once between meetings. I wasn't perfect with eating, but better than usual. I only did two regular exercise sessions during the two weeks and housework (mowing, mopping, vacuuming). So this approach to reduce stress worked versus being strict about exercise and diet. Stress and lack of sleep are a large contributing factor to my current weight gain of 15 lbs this spring and summer.

As a result of my weight gain, I had to buy bigger clothes two weeks ago. Sometimes I enjoy shopping for new clothes, but not this last time. I flashed my plumber's crack because my shirts and pants were too small. I hope too many people haven't shunned me for this reason. My fat has stretched the sides of my bras to their breaking point. TMI. Okay, the bras are six years old.

I wandered through the clearance racks at Walmart for 2X shirts and pants. I made a big pile and whittled it down before trying some on. Then I whittled it further after trying them on. Then I tried several sizes of bras. Too tight or too big. Finally, I walked away with several shirts, one pair of capris, one pair of pants, one swim bottom, and two bras.When I lined up at the check out line, I saw more t-shirts. I grabbed two 3X shirts and put back one shirt. Each item cost $9 or less. Yea, I was being frugal, but I still spent over $50. Gaining weight is not cheap.

Now I'm happy I have clothes that fit--except the 3X shirts are too wide for my shoulders. They cover my backside!

Setting Goals

Source

Yesterday I attended the orientation meeting for the community weight loss program. There were four people there, including me. We have homework assignments now: choose a food tracking method, a menu planning method, and three goals.

I will track by pen and paper because it is what I'm willing to do most consistently. The dietitian stressed we should choose only what we are willing to do.

I have three choices for a menu planning method: counting calories, diabetic exchange system, or the plate method. Counting calories stresses me. It isn't quite as stressful using an app like MyFitnessPal, but I don't have a smart phone to have easy access. The diabetic exchange seems a little complicated, but I'm considering it. The plate method may better fit my lifestyle. I may blend the diabetic exchange system and plate method.

For the goal setting, the dietitian had a worksheet to make specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-sensitive, engaging, and rewarding goals (SMARTER). I'm considering what my goals should be. Here's a stab at it:

1. Go to bed between 9:30-10 pm five nights a week for one month. My reward will be a professional massage.

2. Tracking food every day for a week. My reward will be one late night reading.

3. Exercising 3-4 times a week (including toning) for 20 minutes. My reward will be an outing with my sister and mother (no kids!).

I've done better going to bed earlier. In fact, I had energy today to clean my three bathrooms, sort papers, and put some stuff away.

Sunburn Funburn

"The Sun" by Maliz Ong

Yesterday I went to the doctor about my ingrown toenails. I asked her if obesity can make them worse. She said yes. Well, I just need to lose 50+ pounds now. She referred me to a nutritionist. I called the nutritionist, but only got the voicemail.

In an attempt to be more active, I went to the pool with my boys. I was spraying on sunscreen when the bottle ran out. Only my arms got covered. I found an old tube of sunscreen and tried rubbing it on me. Well, I'd find out later the results on my skin.

The two oldest played while my toddler clung to me. My toddler ventured out for ten minutes in the splash pool. He smiled at me. Then he toppled off two steps and fell all the way in the water. I caught him and just held him while he recovered emotionally. He was fine otherwise. I hate when this type of thing happens because my toddler gets nervous around water again. He takes a long time to venture in the water on his own.

I didn't swim during the entire time, but I lugged a toddler from the big pool to the kiddie pool several times while chasing my two older boys. I also exercised taking the stroller back and forth.

Last night when I got ready for bed, I saw a sunburn outline of my swimsuit across my back. I guess that other sunscreen was out of date. Sunburns make me exhausted too (or sun exhaustion).

Today I vacuumed the upstairs bedrooms, cleaned the tub, swept the kitchen floor, cleaned the counters, did a load of dishes, couple loads of laundry, folded one load of laundry, took out trash, and told my husband about it. I want to brag to somebody. He appreciates the clean house. He then vacuumed the downstairs. Yea for clean floors! Lots more to clean, but the house is livable and I am exhausted.

I tried out Greek yogurt today. I had some a long time ago, but it was a strange apple pie flavor. I mixed some plain Greek yogurt with raspberries and a couple squirts of agave syrup. It had a strong flavor, but tasted okay. Greek yogurt is the rage because it has more protein in it than regular yogurt, but it is an acquired taste. Does the extra protein make it taste funky?

Tonight I made homemade pizza. I'm wondering if it has fewer calories than take-out pizza. It must. I make wheat/white flour dough and pile on the veggies. I used Canadian bacon too. It has very little grease, so that's a positive. I don't know. My problem is portion control.

Such is life.

Why Stay Up Late?

"Sleeping Child" by George Hodan

This weekend was a tiring weekend, but that was my own fault. I stayed up until 1 am Friday night, 12:30 am Saturday night, and 11 pm last night. Each night I went to bed a little bit earlier. So that means tonight I'll go to bed by 10 pm, if I follow the pattern.

Going to bed on time is one of my greatest weaknesses concerning my health. I like reading my book, trolling blogs, or watching Netflix late into the night. It is my escape from a busy day with kids. Other moms fall into this trap too. Lack of sleep causes weight gain. For this reason, I need to go to bed on time!

Lack of sleep causes irritability (I'm never upset with my boys or husband the next day!). It reduces productivity. It has a huge domino effect into the next day too. This is all trying to tell myself to go to bed on time tonight! If my husband says to go to bed, I often snap at him.

The benefits of enough sleep are wonderful: happiness, energy, more time in the morning, higher metabolism, and more. So why do I stay up late at night? Ask me at 10 pm tonight. That's when I justify it.

So hold me to a commitment: in bed by 10 pm. I'll hold you to 10 pm (or enough sleep too). Let's do this together!

Early Morning Body Fat Test

"Anatomy Hight-tech" by Виталий Смолыгин

Before 7 am, I went in for body fat testing. I couldn't sleep all night because I was nervous about making it on time, not the testing. It's hard getting of the house before 9:30 am. I got about half the sleep I usually do even though I was in bed by 10 pm. Before I left, my husband decided he should exercise. Suppose it was good I was awake earlier.

So 39.1% of my body is fat. That's very encouraging. Yea right. The fitness instructor pointed out that I have 14% of fat to lose and then I would be in the healthy range. The healthy range for women is 18-26% body fat for women. Some fat is a good thing!

After my second child, I met a tall 120-lb. woman who tried hard to gain weight. No matter how much she ate, she couldn't gain. I proposed I give her some of my fat. If only it worked that way. I would love to give 14% of my fat to someone who wants it!

I wish I had done a body fat test when I first started with a trainer last October. I had lost inches, but stayed the same weight. My body fat must have been lower. However, I became discouraged around March and April and gained weight again. My psychiatrist said it was from lack of sleep. She said, "Go to bed on time!" Maybe seeing a lower percentage of body fat would've encouraged me. I had to stop going to group training sessions for the summer.

Today I did some toning while watching Love It or List It. Who else likes home improvement shows? My toddler held up his arms for me to hold him. He becomes my weights when I do squats and calf raises.

So far, I've eaten better today. I had cereal with strawberries and sausage (my protein). I felt full for four hours and then I ate the remaining two slices of pizza from last night. (Last night I binged on fruit leather and had three slices of pizza. Good on pizza, but not so much fruit leather.) Had some natural peanut butter mixed with protein powder on celery. I like doing this to get in my vegetables.
Dinner tonight is a toss-up. I have leftover chicken taco soup or I could make something else. Order pizza, anyone? I am not a big fan of cooking for five every day. Occasionally I love to cook. If I let my husband cook dinner, it will be spaghetti. No more spaghetti!

Does Lemon Water Make You Feel Full?

"Close-up of Cut Lemon" by Marina Shemish

About a month ago, my visit teacher suggested I try lemon water to create a feeling of fullness at night. I've tried lemon water now for a few days. I think it has helped. Last night, I didn't feel hungry right before bedtime. There was a two hour gap between eating and sleep. That's a novelty for me these days. So does it really work or is this only anecdotal evidence?

It has multiple health benefits that aid in weight loss, but also in overall health. It helps in digestion by creating more bile. Lemons have vitamin C for the immune system and other benefits. There are more benefits. There was a study done in 2008 by the Sugiyama Jogakuen University in Japan. The polyphenols aid in weight loss. I don't understand it completely, but here's a link to the study.

Adding sugar to the water negates the weight loss benefits because it's not wise to drink your calories. Lemon water is aa good replacement for juice, soda, and coffee (I don't drink coffee).

Tomorrow I go in for a body fat test. How much of me is muscle? (Focus on the positive, instead of fat percentage. :)

Last night I went to bed by 11 pm. An hour later than I should. Still feel tired this morning.