Redefining My Body Image

Via Public Domain Photos

I started this post a year ago, but never published it because the feelings were too fresh.

I was accepted into a contest to lose weight before Christmas of 2017--and then the committee let me go because they felt I had an eating disorder. (I had submitted an essay explaining my weight struggles.) They suggested a clinic.

I looked at the clinic's website. I took the tests on the site for anorexia/bulimia and binge eating disorder. I scored healthy on the first test. I scored mostly healthy on the next text. I knew that I didn't have anorexia or bulimia, but I had struggled with binge eating in the past. 

Sitting in my counselor's office the next day, we determined that I had a binge eating disorder. I occasionally overeat, but it was no longer a binge eating disorder. 

I struggled some when I was in China, and in the MTC, but my true binge eating began after I had after I had my second son. 

My husband had finished his last semester of college, but we had his internship to finish. We went on food stamps at the time. We had access to buy more than enough food.

I would binge to the point I was literally sick to my stomach for about six months. But I also discovered I had gall stones a year later, so that may have made me sick too.

Once my husband had a stable job, I binged less. In all this time, I never purged.

I realized when I truly stopped binge eating was when I took my Weigh to Health class through Intermountain Healthcare four years ago. I learned about intuitive eating. I eat until I feel full. I listen to my body's cues.

When I first was rejected from the weight loss competition a year ago, I was very upset. I wrote an essay to express my need for being in the competition that ultimately disqualified me. I was over binge eating, but I still had body image issues.

I came across Lexie and Lindsay Kites' Beauty Redefined website. I took the statement "My body is an instrument. Not an ornament " to heart. My body is to be useful for everyday living. And I have lived in my body and enjoy living. I don't worry about how I look or about my weight over the past year.

I am so much healthier emotionally. My body is healthier physically because I am focused on small fitness goals like 5000 steps a day. I don't worry about food. That only stressed me where I binged. It backfired. I have found more peace just focusing on eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.

It has helped being on new medication, topiramate for 18 months now for my bipolar. My other medicines don't cause extra hunger like the original medications I had 15 years ago did.

I no longer obsess about getting cool sculpting, liposuction, breast augmentation, or other kind of body altering surgery like I used to. My body is just fine as it is. It is an instrument to accomplishing whatever tasks I need to do.

I am healed from the body image issues that I suffered from for so many years.

Follow-up on Medication

After taking phentermine for a month, I stopped because I ran out before I had a doctor visit. I had difficulty falling asleep on this stimulant.

At my doctor visit, I asked about other ideas. We thought of the generics of Contrave, which are buproprion (Wellbutrin) and naltrexone. Wellbutrin costs less, but not the naltrexone. It cost more than $100 for a month's worth. He prescribed Metformin to control blood sugar, and Wellbutrin as an experiment.

Ultimately, I tried Wellbutrin and Metformin. I stopped taking the Metformin because of the bowel symptoms. I stayed on Wellbutrin for 2 months with few results. I fluctuate within the same weight range since giving birth last year. I never returned to my PCP because the only medications left cost the weight of an arm and a leg.

I lost 2-4 lbs. when I went to sleep before 10:30 for a week. Going to bed on time, had a greater effect than anything else I have tried.

So what should be my goal? Go to sleep by midnight every night!

I bought a Fitbit the end of June. Now I have more information. I realize that I eat the same amount of calories as I burn most days. I usually hit 8000-10,000 steps a day and have active minutes from doing housework.

Since coming off the Wellbutrin, my appetite may have increased--due to stress. I have binged on several times when I felt bored or stressed. I gained 6 lbs back during my trip to see the eclipse and family.

My new fresh-out-of-residency psychiatrist said that Wellbutrin alone won't have much effect on weight loss. We discussed changing my mood stabilizer to topiramate and my antidepressant to buproprion, which are both ingredients in weight loss medications. My previous psychiatrist discouraged topiramate since brain fog is a symptom. My current psychiatrist said that symptom only occurred in some people. The "brain fog" at a lesser degree clears racing thoughts.

I am thinking of changing my psychiatric medications now. My mood stabilizer has worked for 11 years, and my current antidepressant has worked for 5 years. Neither of them cause weight gain. Changing medications takes several months. Those medications aren't guaranteed to work for my bipolar 2.

For now, I need to focus on going to bed earlier (barring my baby waking at all hours in the night), eating less and reducing stress.

Weight loss is such a puzzle.

Update:

I started the topiramate.

Trying Medication

Via Public Domain Photos

I talked with my dietitian three weeks ago about taking medication to lose weight. We discussed the different options--fat inhibitors or appetite suppressants. One medication I can't take because it conflicts with my current medications.

I thought my dietitian might be able to write the prescription, but she said she couldn't.

I asked about Lipozene and she couldn't find it in the normal drug database. She googled it. Lipozene is just fiber from the konjac root. It helps you feel fuller. It is fiber.

At the visit, I weighed the same as I did in February. The five pounds I gained came off. The big difference was when I stopped tracking my food and exercise. Tracking caused me stress.

I said my goal would be intuitive "living" by listening to my body's hunger and sleep cues. I still need to go to bed on time, eat veggies and fruits, and add some exercise. Just not stress about it.

I made an appointment to see my primary care physician. I used my preventive visit to make it "free". On my cell phone, I checked which prescriptions my insurance would cover--none of them. I took medications that put on the weight that insurance paid for. Why won't insurance pay for medications that take it off? 

Really, my insurance pays for several dietitian visits as preventive visits, and a specialist copay after that. Dietitians help more than medication since they impart wisdom.

My doctor said fat inhibitors like Orlistat can cause diarrhea and incontinent bowel movements. Joy. He said eating enough vegetables would inhibit fat too without diarrhea. Instead, I vowed to eat more veggies.

We decided on an appetite suppressant to try for one month. I have taken it for a couple weeks without weight loss (as far as I can tell). I feel hungry less often and eat less. The medication is a stimulant, which has interfered with sleep to some degree. I take a sleeping pill anyway.

I weighed myself more than once a week, which caused me stress. My new focus is on what I can control instead of what I can't control. I can't control the number on the scale, but I can control what I eat. I can exercise. I can.

To the Mocking Teenager

Via Public Domain Photos

I was talking with a friend while we were chilling in the hot water. We were talking about the effects of time on our bodies now that we are in our mid-30s.

As I climbed out of the hot water, a teenage girl loudly said:

"Is that what I will look like when I get old?"

I said:

"Give it ten years!"

This is the first rude teenager I have come across for some time. Most teenagers may be sassy, but rarely rude. Hopefully, she is nicer most of the time.

I have advice for this mocking teenager so she never looks like me:

1. Never engage in sexual intimacy
2. Never develop a mental illness
3. Never develop a physical illness
4. Never stay up late
5. Never stress out
6. Never have babies

I am serious about no intimacy, hormonal teenager. Hormonal birth control can cause weight gain. Depo-Provera causes weight gain in a fourth of its users. I estimate that birth control caused 30 lbs to collect on me. Any intimacy runs the risk of pregnancy with or without birth control. Thus, lifelong abstinence is the best option.

Really, it's a lottery whether this young woman gets some type of mental illness or suffers some type of trauma in her lifetime. Some medications are notorious for gaining weight. Six medications from this list out of the dozen I've taken over the years packed on 55 lbs (I'm taking out 10 lbs for birth control). I have worked with my psychiatrists over the years to have neutral medications, but sometimes those stop working. I have to weigh the benefits versus the costs.

Any physical illness can cause weight gain (or loss). Almost my entire life, I was so congested that I had a hard time breathing and had frequent colds and sinus infections. Three years ago, I had sinus surgery and my turbinates reduced. I have more active days now.

Reduced sleep probably contributed to my weight gain the most over the years. I eat more calories when I stay up too late. Then I am tired the next day and choose less healthy foods. No late night parties, young lady!

Stress might be the biggest contributor to my weight gain. So, young woman avoid any stress in life! Really, learn to cope with stress in healthy ways.

Again, I suggest lifelong abstinence so a woman never becomes pregnant. First, pregnancy messes with female hormones. Then the newborn takes away your sleep for the next two years. The dad suffers from sleep loss too. Children bring stress...and joy.

Overall, young lady, never live. Never enjoy life. Then you will never look like me.

Post D & C Surgery

"Woman" by George Hodan

I have been frustrated with my body because I just want to be in peak condition. I had a D & C done on Monday to stop my bleeding. I had a slightly thicker endometrial lining than usual.

My aunt asked if they figured out why I was bleeding.

Um, I have no idea--stress, hormonal imbalances, endometritis (infection of the lining), anything under the sun?

The gynecologist wanted to put me on a different hormone instead of the D & C in order to save my IUD. No! One day of hormone and I felt so depressed and anxious I cried at the drop of the hat.

I don't think so.

I started a bath on Tuesday. My husband rushed in the bathroom and told me I shouldn't take a bath for two weeks. You've got to be kidding me! My husband was sure on top of it. I swear the doctor said I only had to wait 24 hours. I let the water run for a few minutes and then showered instead.

So now I am bleeding less. It will last for probably another week or two. I want to exercise and be more active. I thought my body should have bounced back quickly, but I had severe cramps for three days after vacuuming and doing laundry. I haven't felt crampy today. My exercise plans are on hold. I did this so my body will return to normal!

I have been going to bed by 10:30 pm most nights. That's good. Somehow it is never enough sleep. My infant wakes up once in the night, and I am toast the next morning. Maybe 9:30 pm ought to be my target.

For the past week, I have tried to eat a salad here and there. Good job, Eileen! I have struggled more with overeating when my neighbors have kindly brought over such good food after my surgery.

So this post is full of complaining, but why not? I can complain to the world at large. My husband is probably glad not to hear it.

I hope to exercise more and retire to bed earlier. And I hope a $100,000 arrives in the mail today.

A Depressing 100 Extra Pounds and Bleeding

238 lbs

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I have been bleeding since giving birth to my fourth son. It has driven me nuts. I have tried multiple things and it doesn't seem to fully work. I am more frustrated because the IUD and birth control pill have made me gain around 5+ lbs over the last month. Yet, they have lessened the bleeding to an extent. The "pill" has sent my emotions on a roller coaster that was well-controlled.

I have had an ultrasound and antibiotics. My doctor ruled out any left over placenta, glucose levels, thyroid problems, and other common issues. I have a slightly thickened endometrial lining.

I mentioned my problems on Facebook and friends and family suggested things. Mostly love and support. Many female friends empathized that they had similar bleeding that had no apparent reason for happening.

Sometimes, I wish I were male.

Well, not really.

I tried raspberry leaf tea and shepherd's purse. I stopped trying those a few days ago. Now I should be "on" bleeding with the pill. So maybe next week I should find out if the bleeding stops. I am embracing it this week. Haha.

I can't believe how much birth control can make me gain weight. So many things have been working against me for the last 13 years.

When I was 19, I had a breakdown at college. I was misdiagnosed with depression only and given an antidepressant. I gained 40 lbs over two years of taking it. I was active for most of that time. It was a stressful time I suppose at school, teaching English in China, and a brief mission. In China and the MTC, I didn't have the option to eat anytime, so I scarfed down more food at meals. I felt no control.

At 21, I switched medication and started more medications. I had a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I started the patch a few months later when I married, which made me gain 5 lbs. I don't believe the bipolar medications had made me gain weight.

I lost 16 lbs puking through my first pregnancy. I tried going off my mood stabilizer and started a new antidepressant while breastfeeding. Eight weeks later, I went back on the mood stabilizer plus the antidepressant.

That antidepressant was notorious for gaining weight. Over the course of taking that medication, I gained 45 lbs. I had one more child, 2 IUDs in and out, 9 moves, a broken foot, and joblessness. That stress might have contributed.

So much has happened to my body. I had two more children with my body gaining, losing, and finally gaining. Changed medications several times. I had periods of losing 5-10 lbs., but it returned when stress hit.

Currently, I am 238 lbs. I figure I am gaining weight because of stress, lack of sleep, overeating, and too little activity. I don't know what perfect storm caused me to gain 100 lbs in the last 13 years. Medication and birth control don't help.

The extra weight holds me back from my dreams. I feel the weight hang off my belly and I just want to cry sometimes. It is just the last 15 lbs that has really depressed me.

Anyway, there's my pity party.

So here's a new year. Go to bed by 10 pm. Tell my infant to sleep through the night every night. Tell my toddler to sleep through the entire night too. Eat vegetables and fruit. Reduce stress. Blah...

I bought a stationary bike, which I ride for about 15 minutes a day. It helps in the winter.

Program Almost Done--Now It's Done

Wrote this part last week:

My son is watching me while I write on the computer. It drives me nuts. He is just laughing...even harder. He fell over a bag of chips. He creeps closer as I type 'me.' His laugh is maniacal. I'm telling him my bubble is the length of my arm. I've never liked anyone looking over my shoulder while I write or I am on the computer.

Anyway, to the point. This month I finish the weight loss class I've been doing. I have learned a lot about eating, sleeping, making change and so forth. Permanent weight loss takes time and isn't a fad diet.

This week:

I had my last appointment a week ago and I was down to 226.5 lbs from 232 lbs six months ago--5 1/2 lbs lighter! I lost 1.25 inches around my waist.  That's a significant amount!

My Body Image

For two or three years, I've wanted to have liposuction because it feels like the only way I can succeed. However, I know it isn't the only way. I see the bodyshaping commercials now and I feel more comfortable with my body (most of the time!).

It will take time for me to lose the weight in a more permanent fashion. Surgery costs money and has complications--no matter what any surgeon may say. Losing weight doesn't have to cost a dime!

I have a better body image than I used to. I am beautiful in whatever stage I am in. I used to see other women and feel extremely jealous of their thinner bodies. I still feel a pang of jealousy, but I no longer feel depressed (for too long) about it. I have a body that functions and I am healthy--besides my weight.

I had a two-day bout of jealousy last week of slender silhouettes. Ah, I'm jealous! But life goes on.

Sleeping Habits

My sleeping habits are getting better. I have done yoga one other night this week. Mostly, I avoid stressing subjects an hour before bed and I am retiring around 9:30 to 10:30 most nights. I am making considerable progress.

I stayed up until 2 am reading Julie Klassen's latest book, A Painter's Daughter, last Thursday. I need to find a better solution to when I bring home a library book in the evening.

Since first writing this post last week, I have stayed up until 11 pm or later. I retired by 10:30 last night. My goal will by 10 pm.

Struggling with Goals

Goals are elusive beasts. If I write down my goals or get too specific, it stresses me out at times. Lists stress me out. Somehow I need to find a balance that fits my personality.

Rewards are another tricky subject. What can I use as a reward? Anything I choose, I will buy myself anyway or do that activity anyway. I feel like their are natural rewards to health goals: I get HEALTHIER and HAPPIER. Other rewards are beyond my reach or my attention span. I'm making progress.

I talked with my dietitian and she said that natural rewards make sense. She liked my approach. These rewards are free and happen when you fulfill your goals. They are natural consequences.

Exercise

Exercise makes the biggest difference in what I do. I've lost inches in the past when I exercise 60+ minutes 4-5 times a week. I'm trying a new exercise program that involves my children too.

Formal exercise has always been tricky because of toddlers. My toddler was sick all last week, so I went a week without going. I exercised some at home, but I was sick for two days too. 

My youngest had his larger-than-life adenoids removed last September, so he has fewer colds. He can breathe normally too! That has made exercise a little easier. He wants to be held while I exercise.

I found a walking partner again! It's been a couple years since I had a walking partner. My other partners get too busy or move away or I moved away.

Intuitive Eating Attempts

I rarely track my food because it stresses me. I'm focusing instead on eating when I'm hungry and adding vegetables and fruit to my diet. The hunger scale helps me gauge my hunger. Last night I ate beyond the full stage to uncomfortable. (It was a difficult day yesterday.)

I am making progress because I don't eat to the point I'm literally sick. Five years ago to the week, I went into the emergency room with such pain. I had gall stones, which made me throw up when overeating fatty foods.

After that, I ate a little less because I remembered the awful pain. But I still ate until I felt beyond uncomfortable. Over the last two years, I've tried to be more careful.

Just Keep Swimming--Dory

My life is making it one day at a time. I don't like to plan, but I have to do some. Weight loss is a long term goal and then weight maintenance. I hope that I can be slender within the next year. I just need to stay active and pay attention to intuitive eating.

Here's to one more day!

2.5 Lbs. Gone and an Oncoming Cold

"Cold Winter Time" by Petr Kratochvil

I lost 2.5 lbs as of last Thursday. I haven't weighed myself today, but I may later tonight. My emotions stay more positive when I only weigh myself once a week--or every other week. What helped me lose those pounds? Honestly, I don't know. I ate okay, went to bed on time most nights, and toned two times a week. Only simple things. I stressed little over my weight.

In the stress management class, the dietitian mentioned a client that kept gaining weight because she stressed over her weight. When she stopped stressing over her weight, she lost the weight. It's like when infertile couples stop worrying about having a baby and they finally get pregnant. Simply control what I can do--exercise, eat right, and sleep--and not worry about what I can't control.

This morning I felt a cold coming on--the ache between my mouth and nose. My body feels slightly weaker and I feel tired. I probably have a cold because I stayed up until 1:30 am a few nights ago. It weakened my immune response. Now I'm taking steps to be rid of this cold faster.

Here are my tips to overcome a cold:

(You know you want to read them, even if they will do nothing.)

• Take vitamin C on the hour, every hour the moment I feel the ache in my nasal cavity.
• Drink lots of fluids.
• Nap, sleep.
• Be lazy.
• Disinfect like crazy (if I have the energy).
• Ignore the messy house.
• Send my husband out for pizza.

I believe the vitamin C, liquids, and rest help. For my sanity, I need to let some things slide. Usually, on the third or fourth day, I disinfect my entire house and clean. Probably too little too late :).

How do I prevent colds--if I bother?

• Go to bed on time!
• Relax from stress.
• Avoid large amounts of sugar.
• Remind my kids to wash their hands; happens on occasion.
• Wash my own hands.
• Disinfect the house.
• Had surgery on my sinuses.

Inevitably, the cold comes. Getting sick is life and there's no way to avoid it. 

You could get the flu shot to prevent the flu. I hate flu shots and my husband bamboozled me into getting one this year. I felt achy for two days after. Instead, why not chance the flu? 

Unfortunately, there are no cold shots. I would get one of those! 

Two-ish Pounds Gone!

I started my program seven weeks ago at 232 lbs; the next week at 234 (heavy clothes and pizza binge?); then slightly above 232 two weeks ago. Last night I weighed in at 230.5! I had concentrated the past two weeks on reducing stress and thinking of 3 good things before night time. I wrote about the stress management class on my mental health blog here.

Since one of my stresses is my weight, I only weighed myself once between meetings. I wasn't perfect with eating, but better than usual. I only did two regular exercise sessions during the two weeks and housework (mowing, mopping, vacuuming). So this approach to reduce stress worked versus being strict about exercise and diet. Stress and lack of sleep are a large contributing factor to my current weight gain of 15 lbs this spring and summer.

As a result of my weight gain, I had to buy bigger clothes two weeks ago. Sometimes I enjoy shopping for new clothes, but not this last time. I flashed my plumber's crack because my shirts and pants were too small. I hope too many people haven't shunned me for this reason. My fat has stretched the sides of my bras to their breaking point. TMI. Okay, the bras are six years old.

I wandered through the clearance racks at Walmart for 2X shirts and pants. I made a big pile and whittled it down before trying some on. Then I whittled it further after trying them on. Then I tried several sizes of bras. Too tight or too big. Finally, I walked away with several shirts, one pair of capris, one pair of pants, one swim bottom, and two bras.When I lined up at the check out line, I saw more t-shirts. I grabbed two 3X shirts and put back one shirt. Each item cost $9 or less. Yea, I was being frugal, but I still spent over $50. Gaining weight is not cheap.

Now I'm happy I have clothes that fit--except the 3X shirts are too wide for my shoulders. They cover my backside!