Redefining My Body Image

Via Public Domain Photos

I started this post a year ago, but never published it because the feelings were too fresh.

I was accepted into a contest to lose weight before Christmas of 2017--and then the committee let me go because they felt I had an eating disorder. (I had submitted an essay explaining my weight struggles.) They suggested a clinic.

I looked at the clinic's website. I took the tests on the site for anorexia/bulimia and binge eating disorder. I scored healthy on the first test. I scored mostly healthy on the next text. I knew that I didn't have anorexia or bulimia, but I had struggled with binge eating in the past. 

Sitting in my counselor's office the next day, we determined that I had a binge eating disorder. I occasionally overeat, but it was no longer a binge eating disorder. 

I struggled some when I was in China, and in the MTC, but my true binge eating began after I had after I had my second son. 

My husband had finished his last semester of college, but we had his internship to finish. We went on food stamps at the time. We had access to buy more than enough food.

I would binge to the point I was literally sick to my stomach for about six months. But I also discovered I had gall stones a year later, so that may have made me sick too.

Once my husband had a stable job, I binged less. In all this time, I never purged.

I realized when I truly stopped binge eating was when I took my Weigh to Health class through Intermountain Healthcare four years ago. I learned about intuitive eating. I eat until I feel full. I listen to my body's cues.

When I first was rejected from the weight loss competition a year ago, I was very upset. I wrote an essay to express my need for being in the competition that ultimately disqualified me. I was over binge eating, but I still had body image issues.

I came across Lexie and Lindsay Kites' Beauty Redefined website. I took the statement "My body is an instrument. Not an ornament " to heart. My body is to be useful for everyday living. And I have lived in my body and enjoy living. I don't worry about how I look or about my weight over the past year.

I am so much healthier emotionally. My body is healthier physically because I am focused on small fitness goals like 5000 steps a day. I don't worry about food. That only stressed me where I binged. It backfired. I have found more peace just focusing on eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.

It has helped being on new medication, topiramate for 18 months now for my bipolar. My other medicines don't cause extra hunger like the original medications I had 15 years ago did.

I no longer obsess about getting cool sculpting, liposuction, breast augmentation, or other kind of body altering surgery like I used to. My body is just fine as it is. It is an instrument to accomplishing whatever tasks I need to do.

I am healed from the body image issues that I suffered from for so many years.

Follow-up on Medication

After taking phentermine for a month, I stopped because I ran out before I had a doctor visit. I had difficulty falling asleep on this stimulant.

At my doctor visit, I asked about other ideas. We thought of the generics of Contrave, which are buproprion (Wellbutrin) and naltrexone. Wellbutrin costs less, but not the naltrexone. It cost more than $100 for a month's worth. He prescribed Metformin to control blood sugar, and Wellbutrin as an experiment.

Ultimately, I tried Wellbutrin and Metformin. I stopped taking the Metformin because of the bowel symptoms. I stayed on Wellbutrin for 2 months with few results. I fluctuate within the same weight range since giving birth last year. I never returned to my PCP because the only medications left cost the weight of an arm and a leg.

I lost 2-4 lbs. when I went to sleep before 10:30 for a week. Going to bed on time, had a greater effect than anything else I have tried.

So what should be my goal? Go to sleep by midnight every night!

I bought a Fitbit the end of June. Now I have more information. I realize that I eat the same amount of calories as I burn most days. I usually hit 8000-10,000 steps a day and have active minutes from doing housework.

Since coming off the Wellbutrin, my appetite may have increased--due to stress. I have binged on several times when I felt bored or stressed. I gained 6 lbs back during my trip to see the eclipse and family.

My new fresh-out-of-residency psychiatrist said that Wellbutrin alone won't have much effect on weight loss. We discussed changing my mood stabilizer to topiramate and my antidepressant to buproprion, which are both ingredients in weight loss medications. My previous psychiatrist discouraged topiramate since brain fog is a symptom. My current psychiatrist said that symptom only occurred in some people. The "brain fog" at a lesser degree clears racing thoughts.

I am thinking of changing my psychiatric medications now. My mood stabilizer has worked for 11 years, and my current antidepressant has worked for 5 years. Neither of them cause weight gain. Changing medications takes several months. Those medications aren't guaranteed to work for my bipolar 2.

For now, I need to focus on going to bed earlier (barring my baby waking at all hours in the night), eating less and reducing stress.

Weight loss is such a puzzle.

Update:

I started the topiramate.

Trying Medication

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I talked with my dietitian three weeks ago about taking medication to lose weight. We discussed the different options--fat inhibitors or appetite suppressants. One medication I can't take because it conflicts with my current medications.

I thought my dietitian might be able to write the prescription, but she said she couldn't.

I asked about Lipozene and she couldn't find it in the normal drug database. She googled it. Lipozene is just fiber from the konjac root. It helps you feel fuller. It is fiber.

At the visit, I weighed the same as I did in February. The five pounds I gained came off. The big difference was when I stopped tracking my food and exercise. Tracking caused me stress.

I said my goal would be intuitive "living" by listening to my body's hunger and sleep cues. I still need to go to bed on time, eat veggies and fruits, and add some exercise. Just not stress about it.

I made an appointment to see my primary care physician. I used my preventive visit to make it "free". On my cell phone, I checked which prescriptions my insurance would cover--none of them. I took medications that put on the weight that insurance paid for. Why won't insurance pay for medications that take it off? 

Really, my insurance pays for several dietitian visits as preventive visits, and a specialist copay after that. Dietitians help more than medication since they impart wisdom.

My doctor said fat inhibitors like Orlistat can cause diarrhea and incontinent bowel movements. Joy. He said eating enough vegetables would inhibit fat too without diarrhea. Instead, I vowed to eat more veggies.

We decided on an appetite suppressant to try for one month. I have taken it for a couple weeks without weight loss (as far as I can tell). I feel hungry less often and eat less. The medication is a stimulant, which has interfered with sleep to some degree. I take a sleeping pill anyway.

I weighed myself more than once a week, which caused me stress. My new focus is on what I can control instead of what I can't control. I can't control the number on the scale, but I can control what I eat. I can exercise. I can.

To the Mocking Teenager

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I was talking with a friend while we were chilling in the hot water. We were talking about the effects of time on our bodies now that we are in our mid-30s.

As I climbed out of the hot water, a teenage girl loudly said:

"Is that what I will look like when I get old?"

I said:

"Give it ten years!"

This is the first rude teenager I have come across for some time. Most teenagers may be sassy, but rarely rude. Hopefully, she is nicer most of the time.

I have advice for this mocking teenager so she never looks like me:

1. Never engage in sexual intimacy
2. Never develop a mental illness
3. Never develop a physical illness
4. Never stay up late
5. Never stress out
6. Never have babies

I am serious about no intimacy, hormonal teenager. Hormonal birth control can cause weight gain. Depo-Provera causes weight gain in a fourth of its users. I estimate that birth control caused 30 lbs to collect on me. Any intimacy runs the risk of pregnancy with or without birth control. Thus, lifelong abstinence is the best option.

Really, it's a lottery whether this young woman gets some type of mental illness or suffers some type of trauma in her lifetime. Some medications are notorious for gaining weight. Six medications from this list out of the dozen I've taken over the years packed on 55 lbs (I'm taking out 10 lbs for birth control). I have worked with my psychiatrists over the years to have neutral medications, but sometimes those stop working. I have to weigh the benefits versus the costs.

Any physical illness can cause weight gain (or loss). Almost my entire life, I was so congested that I had a hard time breathing and had frequent colds and sinus infections. Three years ago, I had sinus surgery and my turbinates reduced. I have more active days now.

Reduced sleep probably contributed to my weight gain the most over the years. I eat more calories when I stay up too late. Then I am tired the next day and choose less healthy foods. No late night parties, young lady!

Stress might be the biggest contributor to my weight gain. So, young woman avoid any stress in life! Really, learn to cope with stress in healthy ways.

Again, I suggest lifelong abstinence so a woman never becomes pregnant. First, pregnancy messes with female hormones. Then the newborn takes away your sleep for the next two years. The dad suffers from sleep loss too. Children bring stress...and joy.

Overall, young lady, never live. Never enjoy life. Then you will never look like me.

One Month After Dietitian Visit

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I weighed in at 241.2 lbs at the dietitian last week. So I gained 3 lbs in one month. The culprit was a bulk size of Red Vines. I ate most of the package over several days. My boys ate some, but I ate the bulk of it. Moderation in all things!

Also, I had an ingrown toenail taken care of. I didn't exercise for two weeks because I limped around. I finally started exercising again last week. I probably could have rode more on my stationary bike in the meantime.

My former roommate started a Biggest Loser challenge that I joined. I wonder if that was a smart idea or not. Does it depress me more? Or does it motivate me? I have tried to exercise more since I began the challenge. One good benefit. But I am more preoccupied about my weight.

I have tracked my food intake for one month now! It is a lot easier with a phone app. Before I used pen and paper or had to log on my desktop computer. I only got a smart phone a year ago.

My new goal is to create a social rhythm, such as go to bed on time and exercise. I have bipolar 2, which is a circadian rhythm disorder besides a mood disorder. A schedule helps control mood. I have been out of whack with the time change and spring equinox. This article explains it.

Free Preventive Visits

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My insurance pays for several dietitian visits as part of the preventive visits. I am taking advantage of these free visits (not really free since we pay thousands in insurance).

I have worked with this dietitian before. Since then, I've gotten pregnant, had a baby, bled for four months and took a bunch of hormones. Those wrecked havoc on my body. So this is my fresh start.

I set new goals:

1. Go to sleep by a certain hour for 5/7 days for four weeks.

A week into this and I have gone to bed one night at this time. Other nights I made it within an hour of that time. Another night, I stayed up feeding my infant. That counts as going to bed earlier because that was what I started to do before he cried.

2. Keep a food journal 4 days a week.

Last week I recorded half a day on paper. This was not simple enough for my lifestyle. Last night I loaded an app on my phone to track my food. Since I am on my phone when I feed my infant, I have time to track then.

3. Eat 2 vegetables a day.

She suggested trying to add a vegetable to lunch and dinner. Add a snack or side salad. She mentioned that I don't want to have the same vegetable all the time in case I tire of it. I've worked on some more vegetables. I already get my fruit in most days.

I have been exercising around two times a week. I saved money by buying a used stationary bike. This has helped me exercise more. I chose not to make this a goal since I have incorporated it into my week already. Though it is an underlying goal.

Next time, I may work on dealing with stress. It has been crazy with four boys and my other responsibilities over the last month.

The dietitian said to keep my goals realistic enough that I will do them. I need to be comfortable with them. Broken goals mean no progress. So one step at a time.

Post D & C Surgery

"Woman" by George Hodan

I have been frustrated with my body because I just want to be in peak condition. I had a D & C done on Monday to stop my bleeding. I had a slightly thicker endometrial lining than usual.

My aunt asked if they figured out why I was bleeding.

Um, I have no idea--stress, hormonal imbalances, endometritis (infection of the lining), anything under the sun?

The gynecologist wanted to put me on a different hormone instead of the D & C in order to save my IUD. No! One day of hormone and I felt so depressed and anxious I cried at the drop of the hat.

I don't think so.

I started a bath on Tuesday. My husband rushed in the bathroom and told me I shouldn't take a bath for two weeks. You've got to be kidding me! My husband was sure on top of it. I swear the doctor said I only had to wait 24 hours. I let the water run for a few minutes and then showered instead.

So now I am bleeding less. It will last for probably another week or two. I want to exercise and be more active. I thought my body should have bounced back quickly, but I had severe cramps for three days after vacuuming and doing laundry. I haven't felt crampy today. My exercise plans are on hold. I did this so my body will return to normal!

I have been going to bed by 10:30 pm most nights. That's good. Somehow it is never enough sleep. My infant wakes up once in the night, and I am toast the next morning. Maybe 9:30 pm ought to be my target.

For the past week, I have tried to eat a salad here and there. Good job, Eileen! I have struggled more with overeating when my neighbors have kindly brought over such good food after my surgery.

So this post is full of complaining, but why not? I can complain to the world at large. My husband is probably glad not to hear it.

I hope to exercise more and retire to bed earlier. And I hope a $100,000 arrives in the mail today.

A Depressing 100 Extra Pounds and Bleeding

238 lbs

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I have been bleeding since giving birth to my fourth son. It has driven me nuts. I have tried multiple things and it doesn't seem to fully work. I am more frustrated because the IUD and birth control pill have made me gain around 5+ lbs over the last month. Yet, they have lessened the bleeding to an extent. The "pill" has sent my emotions on a roller coaster that was well-controlled.

I have had an ultrasound and antibiotics. My doctor ruled out any left over placenta, glucose levels, thyroid problems, and other common issues. I have a slightly thickened endometrial lining.

I mentioned my problems on Facebook and friends and family suggested things. Mostly love and support. Many female friends empathized that they had similar bleeding that had no apparent reason for happening.

Sometimes, I wish I were male.

Well, not really.

I tried raspberry leaf tea and shepherd's purse. I stopped trying those a few days ago. Now I should be "on" bleeding with the pill. So maybe next week I should find out if the bleeding stops. I am embracing it this week. Haha.

I can't believe how much birth control can make me gain weight. So many things have been working against me for the last 13 years.

When I was 19, I had a breakdown at college. I was misdiagnosed with depression only and given an antidepressant. I gained 40 lbs over two years of taking it. I was active for most of that time. It was a stressful time I suppose at school, teaching English in China, and a brief mission. In China and the MTC, I didn't have the option to eat anytime, so I scarfed down more food at meals. I felt no control.

At 21, I switched medication and started more medications. I had a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I started the patch a few months later when I married, which made me gain 5 lbs. I don't believe the bipolar medications had made me gain weight.

I lost 16 lbs puking through my first pregnancy. I tried going off my mood stabilizer and started a new antidepressant while breastfeeding. Eight weeks later, I went back on the mood stabilizer plus the antidepressant.

That antidepressant was notorious for gaining weight. Over the course of taking that medication, I gained 45 lbs. I had one more child, 2 IUDs in and out, 9 moves, a broken foot, and joblessness. That stress might have contributed.

So much has happened to my body. I had two more children with my body gaining, losing, and finally gaining. Changed medications several times. I had periods of losing 5-10 lbs., but it returned when stress hit.

Currently, I am 238 lbs. I figure I am gaining weight because of stress, lack of sleep, overeating, and too little activity. I don't know what perfect storm caused me to gain 100 lbs in the last 13 years. Medication and birth control don't help.

The extra weight holds me back from my dreams. I feel the weight hang off my belly and I just want to cry sometimes. It is just the last 15 lbs that has really depressed me.

Anyway, there's my pity party.

So here's a new year. Go to bed by 10 pm. Tell my infant to sleep through the night every night. Tell my toddler to sleep through the entire night too. Eat vegetables and fruit. Reduce stress. Blah...

I bought a stationary bike, which I ride for about 15 minutes a day. It helps in the winter.

Not Pregnant Anymore!

"Mom pushing baby stroller"

I was so happy when I had my fourth boy out of my body. I can't remember the pain. I remember: I can bend again! God knew what he was doing when he made women forget.

During the last two months of my pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes. Ironically, the placenta can make a woman's body insulin resistant. I avoided sugary drinks and more sugary stuff near the end. I drank diet soda again despite the diarrhea. My doctor put me on metformin, which caused more diarrhea. Couldn't tell the difference anymore.

I had to check my blood sugar two to three times a day. I got good at poking my fingers and "milking" out blood. A dietitian and my doctor gave me two different ranges. The dietitian gave me strict guidelines and my doctor and the nurse educator gave me less strict guidelines. Who do I follow? Anyway, I dropped the dietitian because my doctor hadn't referred me to her, but maternal-fetal medicine doctors.

Taking my blood sugar, I had to wait two hours after eating to check my blood sugar. Even worse, I had to take a fasting blood sugar. For a nauseated woman, that's torture! I hated food, but I still had to have it to settle my stomach.

My doctor suggested I take walks within two hours after having a meal. The dietitian said that exercising your muscles has a backdoor to process glycogen that doesn't require insulin. Isn't exercise amazing!

The moment I had the baby, I was so excited not to prick myself anymore. And I could return to eating normally--not worry about counting carbs. At my six week checkup, my blood sugar was 75. The moment my placenta came out, my pancreas worked like it should to product insulin.

However, I am at higher risk for diabetes in the future. Losing weight would help a lot! I could lose 100 pounds and be the right weight. Isn't that depressing?

I have been walking some and doing chores, but not much formal exercise. I try bending more from my hips and knees instead of straining my back. It hurts from holding a baby and toddler.

For awhile, I dropped to what I was prepregnancy at 230 lbs. I am teetering a bit above, depending on bloating. I just shake my tummy fat in despair.

So, I am debating what best to do for exercise again. It is tricky with a baby and toddler who both want to be held most of the day. Oh the joy. Somehow I will figure it out.

Pregnant As Ever

I get bigger every day!

I'm in the last leg of my pregnancy journey. Food only tastes good temporarily and then it gives me heartburn. If I go to bed late or have a hard time sleeping, I wake up out of sorts. I can't breathe. The baby squishes my innards. My hips hurt; I can't bend; I'm done.

I beg my husband to take the baby out, but it's still too early. Please...TAKE THE BABY OUT. I tell him I will pay him a million dollars. Then he has the gall to ask me where the money is coming from. What does that matter!

Right now, my goal is to stay hydrated in the heat. I drink water and other fluids, but it's probably not enough. Some drinks make me nauseous. Watermelon has been my friend and my husband's enemy. He's tired of the mess it makes. I try to avoid some sugar when I have diet drinks, but those have an unwanted side effect of diarrhea. Yea, you wanted to know that. Fruit is awful too. I looked it up to figure out my problem. I switch between diet and regular soda when I eat out.

I stomach anything I can stand. It helps to have some protein with each meal like milk, eggs, or cheese with bread, tortillas or cereal. I can stand yogurt. I skimp on veggies because it takes more effort to make them. They make me feel nauseous, unless they are with other food. I am dependent on one fruit: cool, wet watermelon. I'm okay with strawberries and apples.

I eat out or have frozen meals a lot. I ask my husband to remind me of what I cooked like before. I made real meals 3-4 times a week. Homemade pizza, chicken and barley soup, burritos, chicken and mushrooms with brown rice, meals with vegetables and fruits. After the baby is born, I'll be back to normal, right?

Exercise? Hmm. I sweat from going up and down the stairs, opening the outside door, doing dishes, picking up, and sleeping. I clean around the house and that's my exercise...and calling to my oldest to catch the toddler. Yet my body still feels so much healthier than my third pregnancy. I am more active in general. This last trimester is kicking my butt though.

The 90 to 100 degree Fahrenheit weather is my enemy. I sweat from doing nothing. I stay hydrated and stay inside. I want to go on outdoor adventures, but I can barely move in the heat. I cut my hair in hopes of staying cooler (and it drying faster). I waddle like all pregnant ladies.

Only a little while longer and this baby will come out. Will I feel better? Well, I'll be able to bend, not have heartburn, breathe, feel cooler, but I will still be sleep deprived.

Weight Loss: Pregnancy

I lost 2 pounds at my last doctor check up and the medical assistant was worried. I'm not worried. I lost 16 lbs. on my first pregnancy and gained it all back!

I did nothing to lose weight on purpose. Morning sickness. I have gained 15 lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy, so I am not worried. If I lost a lot of weight simply because I was exercising and eating healthier, but not dieting, I would be fine. Or if I gain weight while being healthy, I am fine.

I am eating healthier than I did my last pregnancy. I gained several pounds from drinking so much juice and sweet drinks at the end. I am trying to drink fewer sugary drinks. I am paying more attention to how full or hungry I feel.

My only goal is to survive the last trimester alive.

The Trouble with Sleep

"Cats Cuddling" by Melissa Anthony

I am having a harder time falling asleep lately and need more sleeping aids (bipolar meds). It is such a pain, but it's partially my fault. I haven't been going to bed consistently at a good time. My sleep affects how healthy I am, and I have a great habit of going to bed later than 10 pm.

I am missing out on some exercise opportunities and making healthier choices with food and habits throughout the day.

I went to bed at 10 pm last night. But I slept in until 8:35 and missed an appointment with someone. The sleeping aids have to be the right dose to be just enough to put me asleep, but not too much to keep me asleep longer than necessary. My doctor and I have discussed splitting a pill or having the whole dose.

I've been taking the whole dose instead of a half-dose like I normally do. So I have two solutions in mind: improve my sleep hygiene, and take the sleeping aid earlier in the evening.

Sleep hygiene may make the biggest difference. I have a bedtime routine, but I don't have a set time I start my routine. I need to start by 9:30 pm at least. Will you keep me on track? :)

If I take my sleeping aid at 9 pm, I may wake an hour earlier than normal.

I will have to experiment.

I have goals I want to achieve: start graduate studies, writing books and blogs, achieve a healthy weight, and function well as a mother.

Program Almost Done--Now It's Done

Wrote this part last week:

My son is watching me while I write on the computer. It drives me nuts. He is just laughing...even harder. He fell over a bag of chips. He creeps closer as I type 'me.' His laugh is maniacal. I'm telling him my bubble is the length of my arm. I've never liked anyone looking over my shoulder while I write or I am on the computer.

Anyway, to the point. This month I finish the weight loss class I've been doing. I have learned a lot about eating, sleeping, making change and so forth. Permanent weight loss takes time and isn't a fad diet.

This week:

I had my last appointment a week ago and I was down to 226.5 lbs from 232 lbs six months ago--5 1/2 lbs lighter! I lost 1.25 inches around my waist.  That's a significant amount!

My Body Image

For two or three years, I've wanted to have liposuction because it feels like the only way I can succeed. However, I know it isn't the only way. I see the bodyshaping commercials now and I feel more comfortable with my body (most of the time!).

It will take time for me to lose the weight in a more permanent fashion. Surgery costs money and has complications--no matter what any surgeon may say. Losing weight doesn't have to cost a dime!

I have a better body image than I used to. I am beautiful in whatever stage I am in. I used to see other women and feel extremely jealous of their thinner bodies. I still feel a pang of jealousy, but I no longer feel depressed (for too long) about it. I have a body that functions and I am healthy--besides my weight.

I had a two-day bout of jealousy last week of slender silhouettes. Ah, I'm jealous! But life goes on.

Sleeping Habits

My sleeping habits are getting better. I have done yoga one other night this week. Mostly, I avoid stressing subjects an hour before bed and I am retiring around 9:30 to 10:30 most nights. I am making considerable progress.

I stayed up until 2 am reading Julie Klassen's latest book, A Painter's Daughter, last Thursday. I need to find a better solution to when I bring home a library book in the evening.

Since first writing this post last week, I have stayed up until 11 pm or later. I retired by 10:30 last night. My goal will by 10 pm.

Struggling with Goals

Goals are elusive beasts. If I write down my goals or get too specific, it stresses me out at times. Lists stress me out. Somehow I need to find a balance that fits my personality.

Rewards are another tricky subject. What can I use as a reward? Anything I choose, I will buy myself anyway or do that activity anyway. I feel like their are natural rewards to health goals: I get HEALTHIER and HAPPIER. Other rewards are beyond my reach or my attention span. I'm making progress.

I talked with my dietitian and she said that natural rewards make sense. She liked my approach. These rewards are free and happen when you fulfill your goals. They are natural consequences.

Exercise

Exercise makes the biggest difference in what I do. I've lost inches in the past when I exercise 60+ minutes 4-5 times a week. I'm trying a new exercise program that involves my children too.

Formal exercise has always been tricky because of toddlers. My toddler was sick all last week, so I went a week without going. I exercised some at home, but I was sick for two days too. 

My youngest had his larger-than-life adenoids removed last September, so he has fewer colds. He can breathe normally too! That has made exercise a little easier. He wants to be held while I exercise.

I found a walking partner again! It's been a couple years since I had a walking partner. My other partners get too busy or move away or I moved away.

Intuitive Eating Attempts

I rarely track my food because it stresses me. I'm focusing instead on eating when I'm hungry and adding vegetables and fruit to my diet. The hunger scale helps me gauge my hunger. Last night I ate beyond the full stage to uncomfortable. (It was a difficult day yesterday.)

I am making progress because I don't eat to the point I'm literally sick. Five years ago to the week, I went into the emergency room with such pain. I had gall stones, which made me throw up when overeating fatty foods.

After that, I ate a little less because I remembered the awful pain. But I still ate until I felt beyond uncomfortable. Over the last two years, I've tried to be more careful.

Just Keep Swimming--Dory

My life is making it one day at a time. I don't like to plan, but I have to do some. Weight loss is a long term goal and then weight maintenance. I hope that I can be slender within the next year. I just need to stay active and pay attention to intuitive eating.

Here's to one more day!

Thoughts on New Years Resolutions

"Happy New Year" by Circe Denyer

Resolution from the Latin resolutionem is "process of reducing things into simpler forms." I'm thinking of What About Bob? where Bill Murray's character takes literal baby steps to achieve his goals. Losing weight is achieving small goals on a daily basis as a process.

So my journey is a process, but I want it done now!

What should I do to make this year a success? My success last year was maintaining my weight for six months. I should think of that as success anyway :).

1. My goal is still to go to bed by 10 pm. I have succeeded at going to bed earlier than in the past. 
2. Eat when I'm hungry. I use the hunger scale to determine if it's time to eat (most of the day).
3. Exercise, but for how much?

I tried yoga before bed to help me fall asleep. It helped doing a PM session meant to calm me down. However, that takes up time before bed!

I'm not sure if I've gained or lost any weight over the holidays. I've had some active days, but some days where my cold drained my energy and emotions. I had so much hope for a productive and fun holiday, but it has been pretty lazy.

I weighed myself before and after bathing. It was a difference of two or three pounds. Is that how much dirt I was carrying on my body? Gross to think about. I figured I'd weigh more because my long hair was wet.

How much does wet hair weigh? I found this post where the woman says her wet hair was .2 pounds heavier than dry hair. This article states that being wet only adds a few ounces to weight.

Restless, Tired Saturday Night

I'm back at 233! Yea me! I gained 2.5 lbs. The three pounds came back :). Of course, I ate a bigger meal and more fluid before this weigh-in than usual. Who knows. Who cares.

I feel somewhat irritated, but I don't need to feel depressed like I have at times. From my class, I know to love my body at whatever stage I am at. We had the body image course awhile ago, which has helped me love me.

We discussed how each person has intrinsic worth according to Howard's Law of "Unconditional Worth." Those are secular statements, but they are based in spirituality.

I believe that I have eternal worth and everyone has the same eternal worth as me because we are all sons and daughters of Heavenly Father. He loves us as we are and as we will become.

I don't have to compare myself to others because I am enough as me. I accept my body as it is. My skeleton will always be a size 8 no matter what. Maybe even a size 10.

For so long, I've wanted liposuction to remove my fat and put some extra on my chest. But that's always been too expensive. But that wouldn't solve my problem because my habits wouldn't change. I'd gain weight again. Only a lifestyle change will make me healthier.

How Much Exercise Do Adults Need a Week?

"Exhausted Woman" by Petr Kratochvil

Personal Progress First

I went to my psychiatrist six months ago and she suggested I join a weight loss program. I started a program at a local health organization two months later.

Today, I went to my psychiatrist's office and I weighed the same as six months ago. She said it was good I maintained my weight over Halloween and Thanksgiving. Yes, I have done well! In between those visits I had gained 3 or 4 lbs. which I lost.

Two weeks ago, I weighed in at 230 lbs. That was a 1/2 lb. gain from my previous class. I was wearing different clothes than usual. Clothes can weigh a lot!

How Much Exercise Do Adults Need a Week?

A month ago, the personal trainer taught the second class about exercise. She went over how much exercise it takes to maintain heart health, maintain weight, and lose weight. I've been shooting for more exercise ever since. These guidelines are for adults 18-64. Look here for other age guidelines.

Exercise to Maintain Health

• 30 minutes a day five times a week -or-
• 2 hours and 30 minutes throughout the week -or-
• 75 minutes of intense aerobic exercise throughout the week
• and 2-3 times of toning during the week

Exercise to Maintain Weight

• 60 minutes a day five times a week -or-
• 5 hours throughout the week -or-
• 2 hours and 30 minutes of intense aerobic exercise throughout the week
• and 2-3 times of toning during the week

 Source:  2015 CDC guidelines

Exercise to Lose Weight

• 90 minutes a day five times a week
• 7 hours and 30 minutes throughout the week (following the pattern above)
• 5 hours of intense aerobic exercise throughout the week (following the pattern above)
• and 2-3 times of toning during the week

Source: WebMD

Anyone can take exercise to an extreme, so be careful not to overexercise. Your body needs a few days of recovery between exercise. Otherwise, you will feel overtired and may cause injuries to your body. Moderation in all things.

Now I am shooting for 90 minutes of exercise several days of the week. Previously, I only tried for 30-60 minutes three times a week, which is why I haven't had much success losing weight.

I have worked on some of my other issues such as getting enough sleep, reducing stress, and eating more vegetables and fruit. Because of this and increasing exercise time, I hope I will lose weight instead of maintain my weight. Or heaven forbid--gain weight!

Have you ever had trouble losing weight even though you are exercising and eating right?

I Love My Body Because...

The presenter at my weight loss class suggested we write a list of why we love our bodies. She called them amazing machines that keep going despite how much we push them. But we need to appreciate our bodies at the present moment and not at some imaginary weight or figure. Besides, we can only control our actions and influence our weight.

I love my body NOW because...

I value the strength that my body has (under layers of fat). I can carry my toddler around, give piggy-back rides to my older boys, and carry heavy laundry loads. I have the strength within me to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders with divine help.

My hands, my mouth, my eyes, and my ears work together to communicate and listen. I can speak with all the speech organs--vocal chords, tongue, teeth, palate, nose, and more. My ears hear words from others that I can respond to. My eyes read written thoughts and sense body language. I can type and write my thoughts with my hands.

My body can walk several miles, can run for short spurts, and rest nicely. I have use of all my limbs with only some fat limiting my mobility. I'm reminded I'm lucky when some of my family members have limited use of their limbs.

I identify myself as a redhead. My hair may look more brown, but it still has red in it still! People dye their hair trying to achieve my hair color and highlights, but only I have this blend of shades sprouting from my head.

My body provides me with many opportunities that I would not have if I had remained only a spirit. The flesh brings new experiences and joys. I grow stronger emotionally, spiritually, and physically because of my body.

I imagine myself as a healthy, slender person. At times I feel my ideal self and forget that I have a few dozen extra pounds. I love my body because of its potential as I care for it. 

My Progress

I lost one pound over the last three weeks and am so happy I haven't gained weight! I made a small amount of progress besides maintaining my health. I enjoyed less candy on Halloween than usual. Yea me!

I am in bed most nights before 11 pm, which is a feat for me! That still remains one of my goals. I don't know what reward to use though.

I'm focusing on getting more vegetables and fruits in my diet. I try to add a little protein and fat to each meal to help me feel fuller longer. I still follow some of The Formula guidelines.

My exercise is spotty, but I was sick for almost two weeks. I do get one or two toning exercises in a week and some cardio (usually cleaning the house).

What do you love about your body? Are you able to appreciate your body before reaching your "ideal" body image? How are you doing on your goals?

Die Lawn Die!

"Lawn Mower" by Petr Kratochvil

I took more vitamin C on the first day of my cold. On Friday, I was completely dead. I was barely awake and could only watch TV and nap the entire day. I asked my husband to stay home from work.

My husband spent the last half of the day home and ensured everyone stayed alive. I watched HGTV shows on Netflix. Gave me too many ideas to change my house. Unfortunately, I got involved watching an undercover cop series in the evening. I watched it until almost midnight last night. Why torture myself willingly? And I ate more raisin bread than I needed so late into the night. Bad idea.

Today I have more energy. I've reached the third day of my cold where I go crazy and clean. I folded several loads of laundry and mowed our large backyard (on almost a quarter acre). Now my arms feel like jelly and I felt slightly dizzy right after. But it was all worth it! Plus, I burned calories and toned my arms.

This is the last time I'm mowing the lawn this year. Period.

In previous years, the grass just died really long. Made the first springtime mow more difficult.

I look at the rest of my yard. Let's see...it needs weed whacking, edging along the sidewalk, bush trimming, and weeding. But at the end of the year, I don't want to touch the yard. I was done caring for the lawn in August.

This year, I planted gladiolus for the first time. The tall plants blocked the sprinklers and almost killed off my rose bush. Bad gladiolus--you don't make me glad. I want to move them to another section of the yard that doesn't get well-watered.

My calla lilies bloomed really well, but they're in a hidden spot. I want to move them where I had the gladiolus before. I had white calla lilies in my wedding bouquet.

I want to get this all done before winter, but it probably won't happen.

Now, why do I mow the lawn instead of my husband? I'm too impatient for him to mow it on the occasional Saturday he has time. Leaves more free time for us on the weekend too. My mom mowed our lawn and took out the trash while I grew up, so I copy that. She only did that because my dad has MS. I mow the lawn because I feel strong and physically fit afterward.

2.5 Lbs. Gone and an Oncoming Cold

"Cold Winter Time" by Petr Kratochvil

I lost 2.5 lbs as of last Thursday. I haven't weighed myself today, but I may later tonight. My emotions stay more positive when I only weigh myself once a week--or every other week. What helped me lose those pounds? Honestly, I don't know. I ate okay, went to bed on time most nights, and toned two times a week. Only simple things. I stressed little over my weight.

In the stress management class, the dietitian mentioned a client that kept gaining weight because she stressed over her weight. When she stopped stressing over her weight, she lost the weight. It's like when infertile couples stop worrying about having a baby and they finally get pregnant. Simply control what I can do--exercise, eat right, and sleep--and not worry about what I can't control.

This morning I felt a cold coming on--the ache between my mouth and nose. My body feels slightly weaker and I feel tired. I probably have a cold because I stayed up until 1:30 am a few nights ago. It weakened my immune response. Now I'm taking steps to be rid of this cold faster.

Here are my tips to overcome a cold:

(You know you want to read them, even if they will do nothing.)

• Take vitamin C on the hour, every hour the moment I feel the ache in my nasal cavity.
• Drink lots of fluids.
• Nap, sleep.
• Be lazy.
• Disinfect like crazy (if I have the energy).
• Ignore the messy house.
• Send my husband out for pizza.

I believe the vitamin C, liquids, and rest help. For my sanity, I need to let some things slide. Usually, on the third or fourth day, I disinfect my entire house and clean. Probably too little too late :).

How do I prevent colds--if I bother?

• Go to bed on time!
• Relax from stress.
• Avoid large amounts of sugar.
• Remind my kids to wash their hands; happens on occasion.
• Wash my own hands.
• Disinfect the house.
• Had surgery on my sinuses.

Inevitably, the cold comes. Getting sick is life and there's no way to avoid it. 

You could get the flu shot to prevent the flu. I hate flu shots and my husband bamboozled me into getting one this year. I felt achy for two days after. Instead, why not chance the flu? 

Unfortunately, there are no cold shots. I would get one of those! 

History of my Weight Scales

"Scale for Weighing" by Lynn Greyling

I've gained a pound when I went into class last week. So I was at 233 lbs. I weigh myself on my home scale and I'm 226 to 227. So, my home scale is off by six pounds. I always thought I was so skinny at home and then I suddenly gained weight at the doctor's office. Really? Scales should all agree! Maybe if we hooked them up wirelessly.

It's just a regular scale without any electronic parts. We had bought electronic scales in the past, but they would break.

With the first one, the washer drain hose wasn't hooked up to the sink so it flooded the laundry room. The electronics fried on the scale. It sort of worked after that, but I think we bought a second digital scale and it broke too. Maybe it got flooded by laundry or my boys played with it too much. Anyway, it stopped working correctly. And we had to put in new batteries all the time.

So I bought a cheap, no electronic scale. No one can ruin it! It's tough; it's durable; I can toss it down the stairs and stomp on it. Okay, it would probably break then. Maybe I should try that.

Scales are not my best friend because they lie to me and because they break too easily. Technically, I can adjust my manual scale by six pounds. Then it would stop lying to me.

I'll just lie to myself...I weigh 300 pounds. Wait...that's too high. I weigh 125 pounds. Wait...that's too low. I weigh the magic goal weight of 145-155 pounds. Yes that's right. Honestly, it would be nice to weigh 199 pounds. I would be in Onederland!

I see people who complain about being 20 lbs overweight and I wish that were my problem! On the other hand, other people would love to be 233 lbs. instead of over 300 lbs. It's all a matter of perspective.

A number doesn't always matter. It is more the percentage of body fat compared to lean muscle mass. BMI isn't exactly that reliable either. If you weigh more because of muscle mass, but have a healthy body fat percentage, your BMI could be high, but you would be perfectly healthy.

It's just a matter of personal health that reduces risks of heart disease, diabetes, joint pain, and other overweight medical problems. You can be slender or slightly overweight, as long as you are healthy.

What does it really boil down to? Being happy wherever you are on the journey and progressing toward overall health.