To the Mocking Teenager

Via Public Domain Photos

I was talking with a friend while we were chilling in the hot water. We were talking about the effects of time on our bodies now that we are in our mid-30s.

As I climbed out of the hot water, a teenage girl loudly said:

"Is that what I will look like when I get old?"

I said:

"Give it ten years!"

This is the first rude teenager I have come across for some time. Most teenagers may be sassy, but rarely rude. Hopefully, she is nicer most of the time.

I have advice for this mocking teenager so she never looks like me:

1. Never engage in sexual intimacy
2. Never develop a mental illness
3. Never develop a physical illness
4. Never stay up late
5. Never stress out
6. Never have babies

I am serious about no intimacy, hormonal teenager. Hormonal birth control can cause weight gain. Depo-Provera causes weight gain in a fourth of its users. I estimate that birth control caused 30 lbs to collect on me. Any intimacy runs the risk of pregnancy with or without birth control. Thus, lifelong abstinence is the best option.

Really, it's a lottery whether this young woman gets some type of mental illness or suffers some type of trauma in her lifetime. Some medications are notorious for gaining weight. Six medications from this list out of the dozen I've taken over the years packed on 55 lbs (I'm taking out 10 lbs for birth control). I have worked with my psychiatrists over the years to have neutral medications, but sometimes those stop working. I have to weigh the benefits versus the costs.

Any physical illness can cause weight gain (or loss). Almost my entire life, I was so congested that I had a hard time breathing and had frequent colds and sinus infections. Three years ago, I had sinus surgery and my turbinates reduced. I have more active days now.

Reduced sleep probably contributed to my weight gain the most over the years. I eat more calories when I stay up too late. Then I am tired the next day and choose less healthy foods. No late night parties, young lady!

Stress might be the biggest contributor to my weight gain. So, young woman avoid any stress in life! Really, learn to cope with stress in healthy ways.

Again, I suggest lifelong abstinence so a woman never becomes pregnant. First, pregnancy messes with female hormones. Then the newborn takes away your sleep for the next two years. The dad suffers from sleep loss too. Children bring stress...and joy.

Overall, young lady, never live. Never enjoy life. Then you will never look like me.

A Depressing 100 Extra Pounds and Bleeding

238 lbs

Profile

I have been bleeding since giving birth to my fourth son. It has driven me nuts. I have tried multiple things and it doesn't seem to fully work. I am more frustrated because the IUD and birth control pill have made me gain around 5+ lbs over the last month. Yet, they have lessened the bleeding to an extent. The "pill" has sent my emotions on a roller coaster that was well-controlled.

I have had an ultrasound and antibiotics. My doctor ruled out any left over placenta, glucose levels, thyroid problems, and other common issues. I have a slightly thickened endometrial lining.

I mentioned my problems on Facebook and friends and family suggested things. Mostly love and support. Many female friends empathized that they had similar bleeding that had no apparent reason for happening.

Sometimes, I wish I were male.

Well, not really.

I tried raspberry leaf tea and shepherd's purse. I stopped trying those a few days ago. Now I should be "on" bleeding with the pill. So maybe next week I should find out if the bleeding stops. I am embracing it this week. Haha.

I can't believe how much birth control can make me gain weight. So many things have been working against me for the last 13 years.

When I was 19, I had a breakdown at college. I was misdiagnosed with depression only and given an antidepressant. I gained 40 lbs over two years of taking it. I was active for most of that time. It was a stressful time I suppose at school, teaching English in China, and a brief mission. In China and the MTC, I didn't have the option to eat anytime, so I scarfed down more food at meals. I felt no control.

At 21, I switched medication and started more medications. I had a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I started the patch a few months later when I married, which made me gain 5 lbs. I don't believe the bipolar medications had made me gain weight.

I lost 16 lbs puking through my first pregnancy. I tried going off my mood stabilizer and started a new antidepressant while breastfeeding. Eight weeks later, I went back on the mood stabilizer plus the antidepressant.

That antidepressant was notorious for gaining weight. Over the course of taking that medication, I gained 45 lbs. I had one more child, 2 IUDs in and out, 9 moves, a broken foot, and joblessness. That stress might have contributed.

So much has happened to my body. I had two more children with my body gaining, losing, and finally gaining. Changed medications several times. I had periods of losing 5-10 lbs., but it returned when stress hit.

Currently, I am 238 lbs. I figure I am gaining weight because of stress, lack of sleep, overeating, and too little activity. I don't know what perfect storm caused me to gain 100 lbs in the last 13 years. Medication and birth control don't help.

The extra weight holds me back from my dreams. I feel the weight hang off my belly and I just want to cry sometimes. It is just the last 15 lbs that has really depressed me.

Anyway, there's my pity party.

So here's a new year. Go to bed by 10 pm. Tell my infant to sleep through the night every night. Tell my toddler to sleep through the entire night too. Eat vegetables and fruit. Reduce stress. Blah...

I bought a stationary bike, which I ride for about 15 minutes a day. It helps in the winter.

Not Pregnant Anymore!

"Mom pushing baby stroller"

I was so happy when I had my fourth boy out of my body. I can't remember the pain. I remember: I can bend again! God knew what he was doing when he made women forget.

During the last two months of my pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes. Ironically, the placenta can make a woman's body insulin resistant. I avoided sugary drinks and more sugary stuff near the end. I drank diet soda again despite the diarrhea. My doctor put me on metformin, which caused more diarrhea. Couldn't tell the difference anymore.

I had to check my blood sugar two to three times a day. I got good at poking my fingers and "milking" out blood. A dietitian and my doctor gave me two different ranges. The dietitian gave me strict guidelines and my doctor and the nurse educator gave me less strict guidelines. Who do I follow? Anyway, I dropped the dietitian because my doctor hadn't referred me to her, but maternal-fetal medicine doctors.

Taking my blood sugar, I had to wait two hours after eating to check my blood sugar. Even worse, I had to take a fasting blood sugar. For a nauseated woman, that's torture! I hated food, but I still had to have it to settle my stomach.

My doctor suggested I take walks within two hours after having a meal. The dietitian said that exercising your muscles has a backdoor to process glycogen that doesn't require insulin. Isn't exercise amazing!

The moment I had the baby, I was so excited not to prick myself anymore. And I could return to eating normally--not worry about counting carbs. At my six week checkup, my blood sugar was 75. The moment my placenta came out, my pancreas worked like it should to product insulin.

However, I am at higher risk for diabetes in the future. Losing weight would help a lot! I could lose 100 pounds and be the right weight. Isn't that depressing?

I have been walking some and doing chores, but not much formal exercise. I try bending more from my hips and knees instead of straining my back. It hurts from holding a baby and toddler.

For awhile, I dropped to what I was prepregnancy at 230 lbs. I am teetering a bit above, depending on bloating. I just shake my tummy fat in despair.

So, I am debating what best to do for exercise again. It is tricky with a baby and toddler who both want to be held most of the day. Oh the joy. Somehow I will figure it out.

Program Almost Done--Now It's Done

Wrote this part last week:

My son is watching me while I write on the computer. It drives me nuts. He is just laughing...even harder. He fell over a bag of chips. He creeps closer as I type 'me.' His laugh is maniacal. I'm telling him my bubble is the length of my arm. I've never liked anyone looking over my shoulder while I write or I am on the computer.

Anyway, to the point. This month I finish the weight loss class I've been doing. I have learned a lot about eating, sleeping, making change and so forth. Permanent weight loss takes time and isn't a fad diet.

This week:

I had my last appointment a week ago and I was down to 226.5 lbs from 232 lbs six months ago--5 1/2 lbs lighter! I lost 1.25 inches around my waist.  That's a significant amount!

My Body Image

For two or three years, I've wanted to have liposuction because it feels like the only way I can succeed. However, I know it isn't the only way. I see the bodyshaping commercials now and I feel more comfortable with my body (most of the time!).

It will take time for me to lose the weight in a more permanent fashion. Surgery costs money and has complications--no matter what any surgeon may say. Losing weight doesn't have to cost a dime!

I have a better body image than I used to. I am beautiful in whatever stage I am in. I used to see other women and feel extremely jealous of their thinner bodies. I still feel a pang of jealousy, but I no longer feel depressed (for too long) about it. I have a body that functions and I am healthy--besides my weight.

I had a two-day bout of jealousy last week of slender silhouettes. Ah, I'm jealous! But life goes on.

Sleeping Habits

My sleeping habits are getting better. I have done yoga one other night this week. Mostly, I avoid stressing subjects an hour before bed and I am retiring around 9:30 to 10:30 most nights. I am making considerable progress.

I stayed up until 2 am reading Julie Klassen's latest book, A Painter's Daughter, last Thursday. I need to find a better solution to when I bring home a library book in the evening.

Since first writing this post last week, I have stayed up until 11 pm or later. I retired by 10:30 last night. My goal will by 10 pm.

Struggling with Goals

Goals are elusive beasts. If I write down my goals or get too specific, it stresses me out at times. Lists stress me out. Somehow I need to find a balance that fits my personality.

Rewards are another tricky subject. What can I use as a reward? Anything I choose, I will buy myself anyway or do that activity anyway. I feel like their are natural rewards to health goals: I get HEALTHIER and HAPPIER. Other rewards are beyond my reach or my attention span. I'm making progress.

I talked with my dietitian and she said that natural rewards make sense. She liked my approach. These rewards are free and happen when you fulfill your goals. They are natural consequences.

Exercise

Exercise makes the biggest difference in what I do. I've lost inches in the past when I exercise 60+ minutes 4-5 times a week. I'm trying a new exercise program that involves my children too.

Formal exercise has always been tricky because of toddlers. My toddler was sick all last week, so I went a week without going. I exercised some at home, but I was sick for two days too. 

My youngest had his larger-than-life adenoids removed last September, so he has fewer colds. He can breathe normally too! That has made exercise a little easier. He wants to be held while I exercise.

I found a walking partner again! It's been a couple years since I had a walking partner. My other partners get too busy or move away or I moved away.

Intuitive Eating Attempts

I rarely track my food because it stresses me. I'm focusing instead on eating when I'm hungry and adding vegetables and fruit to my diet. The hunger scale helps me gauge my hunger. Last night I ate beyond the full stage to uncomfortable. (It was a difficult day yesterday.)

I am making progress because I don't eat to the point I'm literally sick. Five years ago to the week, I went into the emergency room with such pain. I had gall stones, which made me throw up when overeating fatty foods.

After that, I ate a little less because I remembered the awful pain. But I still ate until I felt beyond uncomfortable. Over the last two years, I've tried to be more careful.

Just Keep Swimming--Dory

My life is making it one day at a time. I don't like to plan, but I have to do some. Weight loss is a long term goal and then weight maintenance. I hope that I can be slender within the next year. I just need to stay active and pay attention to intuitive eating.

Here's to one more day!

Thoughts on New Years Resolutions

"Happy New Year" by Circe Denyer

Resolution from the Latin resolutionem is "process of reducing things into simpler forms." I'm thinking of What About Bob? where Bill Murray's character takes literal baby steps to achieve his goals. Losing weight is achieving small goals on a daily basis as a process.

So my journey is a process, but I want it done now!

What should I do to make this year a success? My success last year was maintaining my weight for six months. I should think of that as success anyway :).

1. My goal is still to go to bed by 10 pm. I have succeeded at going to bed earlier than in the past. 
2. Eat when I'm hungry. I use the hunger scale to determine if it's time to eat (most of the day).
3. Exercise, but for how much?

I tried yoga before bed to help me fall asleep. It helped doing a PM session meant to calm me down. However, that takes up time before bed!

I'm not sure if I've gained or lost any weight over the holidays. I've had some active days, but some days where my cold drained my energy and emotions. I had so much hope for a productive and fun holiday, but it has been pretty lazy.

I weighed myself before and after bathing. It was a difference of two or three pounds. Is that how much dirt I was carrying on my body? Gross to think about. I figured I'd weigh more because my long hair was wet.

How much does wet hair weigh? I found this post where the woman says her wet hair was .2 pounds heavier than dry hair. This article states that being wet only adds a few ounces to weight.

I Love My Body Because...

The presenter at my weight loss class suggested we write a list of why we love our bodies. She called them amazing machines that keep going despite how much we push them. But we need to appreciate our bodies at the present moment and not at some imaginary weight or figure. Besides, we can only control our actions and influence our weight.

I love my body NOW because...

I value the strength that my body has (under layers of fat). I can carry my toddler around, give piggy-back rides to my older boys, and carry heavy laundry loads. I have the strength within me to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders with divine help.

My hands, my mouth, my eyes, and my ears work together to communicate and listen. I can speak with all the speech organs--vocal chords, tongue, teeth, palate, nose, and more. My ears hear words from others that I can respond to. My eyes read written thoughts and sense body language. I can type and write my thoughts with my hands.

My body can walk several miles, can run for short spurts, and rest nicely. I have use of all my limbs with only some fat limiting my mobility. I'm reminded I'm lucky when some of my family members have limited use of their limbs.

I identify myself as a redhead. My hair may look more brown, but it still has red in it still! People dye their hair trying to achieve my hair color and highlights, but only I have this blend of shades sprouting from my head.

My body provides me with many opportunities that I would not have if I had remained only a spirit. The flesh brings new experiences and joys. I grow stronger emotionally, spiritually, and physically because of my body.

I imagine myself as a healthy, slender person. At times I feel my ideal self and forget that I have a few dozen extra pounds. I love my body because of its potential as I care for it. 

My Progress

I lost one pound over the last three weeks and am so happy I haven't gained weight! I made a small amount of progress besides maintaining my health. I enjoyed less candy on Halloween than usual. Yea me!

I am in bed most nights before 11 pm, which is a feat for me! That still remains one of my goals. I don't know what reward to use though.

I'm focusing on getting more vegetables and fruits in my diet. I try to add a little protein and fat to each meal to help me feel fuller longer. I still follow some of The Formula guidelines.

My exercise is spotty, but I was sick for almost two weeks. I do get one or two toning exercises in a week and some cardio (usually cleaning the house).

What do you love about your body? Are you able to appreciate your body before reaching your "ideal" body image? How are you doing on your goals?

Trying a Clean Eating Challenge

"Strawberry Splash" by Petr Kratochvil

A friend from high school days is hosting a clean eating challenge this week and I joined. I committed for five days to eating natural foods, exercising 30 minutes a day, and some other things.

So today I ate oatmeal, raspberries, almonds, and cottage cheese for breakfast. I chose regular oats instead of the apple-cinnamon packs my kids eat. Fewer additives, right?

For lunch, I ate a peach, cheddar cheese, cottage cheese, strawberries and a salad. I thought about how to keep my salad "clean," so I left out the light ranch dressing and croutons. Instead, I put Parmesan cheese to try and give the spinach, mushrooms, and almond salad taste. It was okay. Thinking I may have to look at some "clean" recipes for salad dressing, but I only like ranch dressing. I hate all the other types of salad dressings.

I ate celery and peanut butter for a snack, but I left out the protein powder. I sometimes add protein powder.

I made a chicken, mushroom, and brown rice entree for dinner. As I added lemon pepper, I wondered if it was "clean." I know what the ingredients are. I made some peach, blueberry crisp too. For the vegetable, I grabbed the frozen mixed veggies. I looked at the shrunk, mutilated veggies and threw the freezer burn mess away. Luckily, we had a second bag of mixed veggies.

I'm wondering where all this energy came from to make dinner: I went to bed by 10:30 two nights in a row! I also walked for 30 minutes today, fell on a few yoga poses, and skipped around. All this with pushing, holding, or avoiding a toddler. All in a day's work.

Missing Birthday Cupcakes

"American Stars and Stripes Cupcakes" by Linnaea Mallete

Yesterday we bought cupcakes for two birthdays in the family. My two oldest argued over which cupcakes to buy. My word. We wanted to just walk away. The middle one wanted the cupcakes as soon as we got home. No, they're for tomorrow.

This morning I walked downstairs to cupcake wrappers and an open present. Two boys ate 5 cupcakes and cut open their brother's present. We charged them money for it.

My husband and I went on a date and figured we would celebrate birthdays when we came back. There were still some cupcakes left. Well, they sneaked cupcakes into their mouths even with Grandma there. All the cupcakes were gone! There goes lighting candles.

We went for ice cream tonight, but one boy hated his ice cream and the rest was melting all over. We rushed home amid complaints.

So I'm fed up with birthdays today. My boys really rained on the parade. I suppose I ate fewer cupcake calories. I only had two half-eaten cupcakes. I'm going to have to hide cakes better, or just ban the practice all together.

On their birthdays, I should eat their entire birthday cakes and open their presents and play with them before the boys can play with them. Think they would learn their lesson?

Birthdays are overrated anyway. Holidays are overrated. I like holidays, but we spend too much money on them. I'm averse to the grand gift-giving. Gift-giving should come naturally without any prescribed birthday or holiday. It is a heartfelt year-round gesture. The pressure is too great for Valentine's Day gifts, Mother's and Father's Days gifts. Christmas has too many gifts involved. Then we add Easter to the mix. Really, why so many presents? Take the pressure off and give the gift of time.

Day 14, ?: What Day Is It?

I had cheerios and milk for breakfast. Went back to bed. I even went to bed before 10:30 pm. My toddler woke my husband and me at 2 am. When do they stop waking in the middle of the night? Ate an orange and string cheese as a snack. For lunch, I had a peach-berry smoothie from The Formula book. It adds a few almonds and protein powder to it. My toddler likes these smoothies for some reason. My other kids hate it. Had a snack of watermelon and cheddar cheese. I'm tiding over until dinner time. I think I'll eat some leftover chicken and zucchini soup with some bread. I don't know if it will fill me up. I usually eat a snack before bed too.

Um, I don't know what day I'm on anymore, but I do know the actual date, just not the log. Tuesday night I stayed up too late because I was sad over a friend's crisis. I was upset yesterday too after someone made a passive-aggressive put down about me. It doesn't matter if other people are rude, but put it in a socially acceptable way.

I can't remember what I ate yesterday, only that survival was my goal. My house is a mess. Today I went to my parents. I didn't eat any M&Ms or Silvermint ice cream bars at my parents. That's like...a first! I had a flavored apple pop, but so much less than I sometimes pig out at home with. I don't keep treats as a rule in my house. Maybe because I eat it so fast :).

My older boys have been on a whine fest today. We didn't get donuts, didn't get Sour Patch kids candy, the oldest was forced to go to Grandma's. It was a rough day, but going swimming with cousins was fun for them. But if we had stayed home, we never would have gone swimming with cousins. My oldest hates leaving the computer, but has so much fun other places he doesn't want to come home. If only it didn't come with scream fests!

Day 12 & 13: Yard Sale, Sunburn, and New Glasses!

"Corn, Oats, Rice, Wheat" by Petr Kratochvil

Breakfast: cheerios, milk
Snack: something
Lunch: Mushroom burger, orange soda, avoided the fries :)
Snack: something
Dinner: Orange chicken, lo mein, string cheese, maybe cereal.
Snack: Red vines!!! I gave some to my son to rot his teeth. I saved about a third of the package vs. eating it all in one setting. My husband should never buy me treats, but then I buy him treats. He got me the big package and I wish he'd gotten the smaller package...less to eat.

Saturday I hauled items from my garage to my lawn. After a few things sold and a sunburn later, I heaved the leftovers to my car or garage. Most of the items I donated to a thrift store. I had to get the crap out of my house! Yet I still look in my garage and I kept a bin of holey jeans. One day they'll become a quilt :). I offered them for free! One person took free cutoffs for her son. No one bought the hundreds of jean squares. I had toning exercise hauling heavy boxes!

I crashed for a nap and my husband woke me after only an hour. Mean man. But then he had great news: my new glasses came in! They came a week earlier than I expected. I can now see clearly...better than with the glasses I lost. My husband and I went to bed by 11 pm.

Sunday
Breakfast: The rest of the Red Vines! cheerios, milk
Snack at church: grapes, string cheese. Everyone can see my family chowing down during services.
Lunch: cheerios, milk, cracklin oat bran, milk
Dinner: string cheese, cereal? I don't know. I'm not sure I ate a full dinner. Probably will have more cereal.

Exercise: going up and down the stairs to take a nap.

Proposed bed time: before 11 pm. Should be 10 pm, but today is the longest day of the year! I have to wait so late to stare at the stars. I remember all those times looking at stars when I lived in rural Utah versus suburban Utah as an adult. I miss seeing every star under the Southeastern Utah sky.

I need to rethink my weight loss strategy. My goal is to function during the day. (My toddler is playing with his belly button right now.) Summer and kids out of school upsets my schedule, but then I'm not a schedule person. I looked at the Shakeology stuff, but that's super expensive. I know what I need to do: eat healthy, exercise, and go to sleep on time. Surely it's not that difficult :). I have maintained my weight over the last month instead of gaining. That's good.

Day 6: Saturday Is a Special Day at 3 AM

"Baby with Toys" by Piotr Siedlecki

My toddler woke my husband at 3 am. I woke later because I heard loud banging. I went downstairs to find my husband watching a movie and the toddler hitting things. He likes to make noise. I went to bed on time, but was sleep deprived after the banging this morning. Spent much of the day recovering. Now my toddler babbles innocently.

I had cereal and milk for breakfast. Ate some stir-fry for lunch. With my husband and me so tired, we bought candy and pizza and watched a movie. Yea, downhill. My problem is how much I've eaten, not having a little candy. All things in moderation. I haven't stuffed myself on pizza and candy like I have in the past. There's still two half bags of candy and cookies. The candy belongs to my sons, so I need to leave it for them. But they know that Mommy eats whatever is left over. For some reason, they don't trust me to leave them any candy. On the other hand, they eat all the raspberries and strawberries before my husband and I have any. All is fair in love and war.

I got some exercise while I went grocery shopping. Dragged around several kids on a cart. I also bought healthy food. I bought a bike that works! My old one has the brakes stuck while I ride. It's also rusted from being out in Idaho weather the first few years of my marriage. Time to go riding.

So when will I go to sleep tonight? Take a guess. My husband needs to recuperate from 3 am. He rarely can take a nap. This drives me nuts because he'll get cranky but can't fall back asleep. On the other hand, I can nap quite easily. Maybe we're a match made in heaven.